Ass, tits or structures?

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Today I bring you the joys of scientific research.
Now I’ll be honest – I love science. I don’t understand it – but anything that helps create a device that’s able to measure pain in tomatoes (Hubbard’s Electrometer – isn’t it great that the most ridiculous religion in the world i.e. Scientology is named after the one thing agnostics like me hang on to? Talk about marketing. No wonder they got Tom Cruise! ) is fantastic in my book. Pity all the girls who took science in high school never discovered a razor. Ah well.
While scientific studies in the past couple of years have given us MIND BLOWING and NEVER BEFORE understood insights like “Fat people die quicker but make great coasters”, “Indians smell of curry but they rape you in a hurry” and “Sheryl is not a real Crow” – the best scientific study in the history of human kind took place in 1968.
I present to you – Traits of men who prefer breasts, booty or legs by Wiggins et al. (1968) from the blog “Gene Expression”.
Researchers asked 95 male college students which silhouette drawings they preferred, and these independently varied the size of the breasts, butt, and legs: each appeared in a “normal” size, somewhat large, large, somewhat small, and small. They completed personality questionnaires and provided demographic background info.


Men who preferred the “large” figure – large breasts, large butt, and large legs – were characterized by “a need for achievement.”

I completely agree with this statement. Not only is it an achievement to bone someone who is large and fat voluptuous (so much more to love), it is also an achievement in testicular fortitude if one can walk down the street with people whose love handles pop out the sides of their shirts like cheese from a stuffed crust pizza – which likely caused it to begin with (I wanted to make a piece of chunni stuck outside a car door but that’d be too delicate). What this research also reveals however, is the reason why the United States is the world’s only superpower. If America had continued on its home cooked healthy diet they would never have an obesity fuelled sense of achievement to rule the world. Screw those skinny French fucks.
Those who preferred the “standard” figure – normal size for all parts – were characterized by “a tendency to be disorganized in personal habits.”
Well, me. Thus proved.
Those who preferred the small figure tend to persevere in their work. They are not cynical about authority and reported coming from an upper-class background.
This is but obvious. Why else do you think Keira Knightley kept acting in all those period dramas? Only high browed kings and princes would be interested in a bosom that resembled a post-tetanus injection scar on the shoulder. And it is a matter of fact that rich people from upper class background invariably have the smallest penises. (Ref: SUV owners) One can understand how they’d need to be with a woman who wouldn’t make them feel like a toothpick in the Grand Canyon. One can only hope these upper class gentlemen do not treat their partners like pets who need more feeding and eventual plastic surgery so as to reach normal and quench their ego.
And cynical about authority? Why the bloody hell would they be? They’re upper class folk, they ARE the authority. Notice how upper management in companies tries to portray to their team mates that there’s no hierarchy – just a flat structure. No pun intended.
Men who like large breasts have a tendency to date frequently, to have masculine interests, and to read sports magazines. Further, large-breast preference was related to a need for heterosexual contact and for exhibitionism. In social relations, men who preferred the large breasts tend to be non-nurturing and independent.
Two words: Tiger Woods.
Celebrity scandals aside, where everyone seems to crap all over a beautiful relationship for some role play with hookers (Mel Gibson, Jesse James…the list is endless) this is a logical reversal of rich men liking smaller women. When you’re poor – value for money is your number one priority. When in this day and age car manufacturers try to sell entry level models with a “badi gaadi ki feeling”, it’s obvious you’d want to grab as much as possible. The only difference is that there were no video games in 1968 to watch hentai. And for people who couldn’t make it to the Playboy Mansion, Hooters opened up in 1983.

 

 

Men who prefer boobs that are friendly and unpretentious i.e. small breasts tend to hold fundamentalist religious beliefs and are mildly depressed. They are nurturing in their relations with others. They are not cynical about authority and come from large, nonworking-class families. They are lacking in achievement motivation and are indefinite about career plans. As a group, they tend to be engineering majors.
First off – I love the word “friendly boobs”. To me, any boobs willing to show themselves (with exception of family) are incredibly friendly. Infact it’s why Indian men keep looking at them because we never let friends out of our sight. Also – men – here’s a great gift if you’re stressed in life. http://bit.ly/JAOrV
Second, it goes to show how much science has suffered during the religion obsessed Republican administrations of the U.S. If only they had accessed this report, they’d know that all they needed to do to screen terrorists at the airport is show them a picture of large and small boobs. And large, non-working class families? Shit. Sounds like Saudi Arabia to me. Look at how they’ve nurtured relationships groups in countries like Yemen, Lebanon and Egypt etc while maintaining a deep friendship with the U.S. and its money.
I’m not sure about the last two lines though. Engineering majors? That’d be pretty much everyone IITian I’ve ever met. And frankly they’re glad to have seen ANY boobs given their regimented dedication to entering a life of corporate slavery. Ah well, there are always some empirical inconsistencies in scientific data.
Heterosexual men who prefer large buttocks were characterized by a need for order (neatness, organization, orderliness). Those who preferred the largest buttocks figure tend to be accounting majors and tend not to be agnostic. In social situations, they are dependent and given to self-abasement (guilty, self-blaming). Their value orientation tends not to be stoic in nature.
I know what you’re thinking. Rappers. I don’t want to sing “I like big butts and I cannot lie”, but it fits doesn’t it? Neatness, organization and orderliness are all hallmarks of a great rap label/drug running business. In social situations they are dependant on their hoes or their lawyers while standing inside a courtroom pleading guilty to charges of manslaughter and such. Accounting majors and tending not to be agnostic is mere code for rappers talking about money and god i.e. EVERY BLOODY RAPPER ON THE PLANET. I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.
Those who preferred small buttocks tend not to be self-abasing. They tend to persevere in the completion of their work and do not feel the need to be the center of attention. Their reading interests do not include sports magazines.
Losers.
The fine folks at Gene Expression don’t seem to have found any follow up studies to this incredibly important piece of academic research – and frankly that is a bloody disgrace. It is my mission to write to the Honourable Shri “seller of cheapass subsidised Chinese tablets for 35$ Science and Technology minister” Kapil Sibal and push for funding so that a more wide-reaching study can be conducted.
In the meanwhile, why don’t you tell me what you like? Ass, tits or structures?
Reference: 

Wiggins, J.S., J. Wiggins, & J.C. Conger (1968). Correlates of heterosexual somatic preference. J Pers Soc Psych, 10(1): 82-90.


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