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First of all let me just say that I’m thoroughly disappointed in you. As a fellow Sikh, or as Obama would say, a brotha from anotha motha, I have been brought up to believe that the mark of an intelligent, sophisticated and capable Sikh is through the quality of his turban. (Case and point, Navjot Singh Sidhu, Daler Mehndi, Milkha..umm etc) And while I was willing to forgive your Mexican wrap on account of old age, I notice even your closest Sikh advisor, Montek Singh Ahluwalia, ties his turban in the opposite direction. This is not only blasphemous, but also makes me think you have inherited Maharaja Ranjit’s Singh’s stone eye – for during your administration, other capable Sikhs like Harbhajan Singh never learnt how to tie one, J.J. Vallaya started keeping a pony tail and the other spin legend - Maninder Singh tried slitting his wrist. Hell, even Sant Chatwal lost the special place he had in Hillary Clinton’s heart to Shah Mahmood Qureshi. I feel your lack of turban tying skills has had an adverse impact on the Sikh community. You will do well to stop hanging out with Meghnad Desai and live upto the reputation Zail Singh managed to create for our people.
Second of all, for someone who single handedly ushered
’s economic revolution through reforms we had but no choice to make, your current predicament worries me. Infact, I was very proud of the fact that the Sikh community is perhaps the only one which has no beggars, and then Sonia Ji made you P.M. Infact, I think if my testicle grew some white hair (the wrinkle already makes it look like it’s smiling) and was used as a ping pong ball, it’d remind people of you going back and forth between managing the country and getting directions straight from the bofor’s mouth. It’s something I wish you don’t have to go through, and for that reason, I wanted to offer you my advice over some things that I wish you to accomplish by the end of your term. India
Tackling Terrorism: Now I know people have been knocking you about being soft on terror just because you don’t hang Afzal Guru but I can feel your pressure man. Being Sikh how can you hang anyone who’s got a Guru in their name? We have ten and they sacrificed their lives for the country already so how can we make another one a martyr? I totally get it. I also get that people just don’t have the vision to realise that you’re implementing a commonly used African model in
of using sports to alleviate poverty. I know in another 20 years our boys from up north will be winning gold medals in short put the same way decades of khapping in Haryana has led to the emergence of our medal winning boxers. But still Mannu, for dossier’s sake, you need to do something. Jammu and Kashmir
Victor Hugo once said “No army is as strong as an idea whose time has come”. Manmohan, that army is terrorism, and that idea, is Zinda-Shaheed M.S. Bitta.
Bitta of the All India Anti Terrorism Front, an organization that organizes many conferences and seminars to talk about the threat of terrorism and terrorizes cities walls through it’s graffiti and posters is the only thing that can stop terrorism across
. You want to protect Indians across the country? Stock his semen in every sperm bank across the country and give it to every mother who comes in for IVF. Not only will it protect the future of the Sikh community, you can be rest assured that our next generation will be bunch of badasses who can survive 100s of bullet wounds like 50 cent and spin Sunny Deol around like a basketball after shoving their finger up his ass. Other initiatives that you must take at the earliest is fence India ’s entire border regions with his 30 foot cutouts. Not only will it (insert every Chuck Norris and Rajnikant you can find joke here), scare the fuck out of future Kasab’s trying to enter Mumbai etc but also provide employment to hundreds and thousands of artists across the country who are broke and poor because of multiplexes having taken away their livelihoods. Plus he’s an ex-youth congress president. Even Berlusconi Jr. shouldn’t have a problem with supporting this initiative. India
Tackling Price Rise: Again, this worries me. First I thought people would be smart enough to realise that it is impossible for countries and PM’s to be able to do much about price given the global economic recession, Indian ODI team’s success mimicking crude oil prices and Yash Raj’d agricultural production patterns. But as a famous Lok Sabha speaker (allegedly) said, “Hell hath no fury like a woman ousted from
’s Chief Ministership due to onions.” But I’m with you Mannu. I see how you’ve structured the Nuclear Liability Bill in such a way that when all new reactors are constructed across Delhi , the impending disaster will greatly reduce the human population in that area, thus reducing the stress on agricultural and product based demand. I can see how these inadvertent mishaps will trigger a chain reaction and slump demand, thus reducing the price of goods (whichever are still available – perhaps some leftovers from the relief effort in Leh) for everyone. India
I also realise what a genius you are by not giving the rotting leftover foodgrain to poor people for free. As I learnt at a recent Shiv Khera lecture, for an individual to be successful in life – the most important thing is having the hunger. With this epic plan of starving people even though it is within our means to feed them, you are actually empowering them and creating the desire in them to be successful. I don’t know about you, but I smell Social entrepreneurship and Venture Capital fund! I suggest you tell your detractors to ride a train through a Naxal area at night and stick with the programme. This sort of vision would make Stevie Wonder jealous.
Fixing the fiscal deficit: Even though we have a healthy forex reserve, I know the economist in you is dying to get cracking over fixing the fiscal deficit. My suggestion is -sell the states of Bihar and Jharkhand to
. (Seriously, those fucks will invest in anything, especially shit connected to the Buddha) First I thought we should sell Madhya Pradesh to the Italians, seeing as how they’re used to living with the Vatican being in the middle of the country and your party’s professional network with influential people there – but then I realised Bihar and Jharkhand to Japan makes a lot more sense. First, we already have an existing catchment of tourists who visit every year. Second, given that these states bring down our Human Development Index and GDP from Wasim Akram’s levels to that of Ravindra Jadeja, it will be a big boost for Rest of India’s image. Third, let’s just agree that it’s next to impossible for us to govern these states given the amount of crime, corruption and Naxal presence – and that it requires the kind of discipline and technology only Samurai who invented the Nintendo Wii have. Fifth, teen suicide rates in Japanese society are almost equal to farmer suicide rates in these states – thus making it an excellent socio-cultural fit and finally, what better way to create a new buffer against the sneaky Chinese now that we washed our hold over Japan faster than Sanjeev Nanda washed his BMW? Nepal
I don’t know about you – but I smell first turbaned man since Osama to be Man of the Year.
Improving primary education: As a
Cambridge educated elite, I am sure you’ve been looking at improving the quality of ’s primary education from a structural standpoint. Forget building schools in new areas, recruiting new teachers, mid-day meal schemes or building toilets so that girls can also get educated. The simple solution to improving primary education in India is this: White Women. India
What you need to do is put Nandan Nilekani (or Hrithik Roshan) in charge of a national education mission whose sole role is to recruit white skinned women of any race (I recommend people from
Central Asia. They come here in droves as part of the hooker business anyway plus are much cheaper than the European variety) to come and teach in select primary schools in every district of India. Indian kids, teenagers and men since the days of our first Prime Minister have long been fascinated by white women and will agree to building the dam at Narmada if they can get to look at a real live white chic every day for 4 hours. You will see enrolment numbers jump and stay consistent, the demand for mid day meals reduce and caste wars over who sits next to who forgotten.
I also suggest you teach kids Rhonda Byrne’s “The Secret” and “The Power”. I hear Suresh Kalmadi is using it to excellent effect while managing the Commonwealth Games.
Re-structure Indian sports federations: I don’t want to lecture you too much anymore, but I would like you to implement just ONE rule when it comes to Sports Federations in
. Just make it mandatory for the person who is the Chief of the Federation to be have had/or be able to actively play that sport. That is all. Doesn’t even have to be a champ, as long as he can play it. Like is Sukhdev Singh Dhindsa is the Chief of the cycling federation, he should be able to bend his knee on an exercycle. Or if V.K Malhotra is the Chief of the Archery Federation - he should be able to lift and hold a bow and arrow for 5 minutes. 5 minutes, that is all. And for the love of god, can you atleast remove Jagdish Tytler as Chief of Judo Federation? You realise he joined it to defend himself from – take a wild fucking guess! India
Legalise gay marriage: Now that you’ve almost lost all your supporters, there is a section of the community whose lives you can change for the better while your are still Prime Minister. For the love of god make gay marriage legal. I know you’ve taken “some” steps already and it’s not your biggest priority – but if nothing else do it for our culture. Can you imagine how much more fun it will be to have so many more weddings and baraats in the city? The lights, the dancing, the traffic, the yummy food?! How can you not appreciate that as a Punjabi? Not only will it be even better for our people, it will bring more tourists to
than hosting three Commonwealth Games in a year. Shine your liberal democratic beacon in the world community even higher and show Sarah Palin who’s her daddy. India
And last but not least Manmohan, I hope you become less reticent. I know you were a reluctant Prime Minister last term, but this is your time, your legacy. We haven’t had a cleaner and more ethical Prime Minister in our lives and we probably never will. We want to hear what you have to say and we want to know your human side instead of what your craptacular speech writers feed you every national holiday. So please, make an effort, loosen up and lead us.
If we wanted a dead turkey, we’d have made Shivaj Patil P.M.
Image courtesy www.india-server.com
Image courtesy www.india-server.com
For those following the Commonwealth Games closely, you will know that the official CWG theme song was supposed to be launched yesterday by none other than the Mozart of Madras, A.R. Rahman. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to pay 600 Rs to download the song’s ringtone and flash it across the city as proudly as I did the Waka Waka.
Unfortunately for us however, all Rahman could say was that the song would take another 10 days to release as he was still tweaking and putting the finishing touches to his (what will definitely be) a masterpiece. But me being the good Samaritan that I am, realised that the public at large was very disappointed at the song not having released – so I decided to leak the lyrics without his permission, consequences be damned. This is after all, a matter of national pride. So without further a due, I proudly present the OFFICIAL THEME SONG OF THE COMMONWEALTH GAMES 2010.
“Behne De” from the hit film Raavan
Arre aankh se boond gira koi, Chingari ka tukda jala koi
Umeed ko aag laga zara, Sehra ki pyaas bujha zara..
Ghan itna baras ke galne lagoon
Main paani ke upar tarne lagoon...
Arre haath se tile lagaa koi, baton ka tukda jalaa koi
Umeed ko aag lagaa zaraa, Arnab ki pyaas bujhaa zaraa..
Leak itna hoye ki galne lagoon..
Mein patthar pe phisalne lagoon..
Behne de mujhe behne de mujhe behne de
Behne de ghanghor ghata behne de paani ki tarah
Saagar mein jaa girna hai behne de nadiyaa ki tarah
Behne de mujhe behne de mujhe behne de
Behne de hum chor sadaa, behne de paise ki tarah
Chullu mein jaa girna hai, behne de stadia ki tarah..
Shart lagi hai mar jaane ki jeena hai toh pyaar mein...
Deh kahi bhi ho mera, jaan rakhi hai yaar mein,
Beh jaa beh jaa, hai saagar ka kehna,
Beh jaa beh jaa, hai nadiyaa ko behna,
Shart lagi hai Fennel ke saath karma hai to shaan se,
Der kaheen bhi ho bhaiya, jaan lagii hai kaam mein
Beh jaa beh jaa, hai Sheila ka kehna,
Beh jaa beh jaa, hai paise ko behna,
Patte se tapakti boond ki aawaz sunai di thi
Nadiyaan mein tapk aur gum ho jaa, beh
gaya beh . gaya
gaya rah . gaya
PM ki thodi si goonjti, awaaz sunaai di thi,
Yahaan se tu satak aur gum ho jaa, beh
gaya beh gaya
gaya rah gaya
Behne de mujhe behne de..
Behne de mujhe behne de..
Mera pal pal ang ang bhar diya,Tune jaan pe junoon sa kar diya,
Mera hai kya jo main haar doon, jaan teri hai tujh pe vaar doon.
Mera har har khaata bhar diya, toone dil pe junoon sa kar diya,
Mera hai kya jo mein haar doon, jaan meri yeh Games pe vaar doon.
Doob gaye jo suna hai saare…Tere dere aate hai,
Dil ke chullu mein bechare, Doobkiya gote khaate hai,
Beh jaa, beh jaa, Chal tod kinaare ko,
Beh jaa, beh jaa, dhar le majdhaare ko,
Doob gaye jo suna who saare Gill ke launde kehlaate hain,
Hockey ke election mein bhi apni gaand maraate hain
Beh jaa, beh jaa, chal chor bechaare ko
Beh jaa, beh jaa, dhar le Darbari ko
Chingaari uda ke raakh se, ek boond gira ke aankh se,
Chalne ka ishara kar
gaya kar ..Sab bhar gaya gaya bhar .... gaya
C.P. ko banaa ke raakh se, ek boond bahaa ke saanp se
Khelne ka ishaara kar
gaya kar ..Sab bhar gaya gaya bhar .... gaya
A couple of days ago, while lunching over some Chicken McGrills (Though I prefer the original name - toilet sponge covered with caterpillar jizz and lightly toasted pavs. Yes I eat at McDonalds. Fuck you for judging me. Its good food, fast. I took a date there once. She pronounced it Fish “feel ett”. I never saw her again) a friend asked me an intriguing question – What does independence mean to you? And when I say intriguing, I mean the same jean-claude-van-damn question every news and entertainment channel asks its viewers in a poll on 15th August, when millions of Indians wake up groggy at 8:30 AM and turn on Doordarshan - only to realise the fucking parade happens on January 26.
But still, given that there were no couples breaking up to eavesdrop on, no vegetarians accidentally being served a McChicken or fights breaking out over the amount of ice in a large Coke, I decided to give the question some thought. What WOULD independence be for me? Would it be being able to spend a day without taking a dig at Uday Chopra? Being able to come out of the closet about secretly adoring the Twilight Saga? Not popping a pimple? Getting a post paid connection instead of relying on chotta credit to navigate the sexting sessions? A day without being told to buy the Slim Sauna belt and make friendship with Shilpa, Pooja or Dimpy? Not pee on the toilet seat? Be on Twitter without having to figure out an anagram? A day without random chest pain or a new medical study telling me I am 79.3% more at risk of getting cancer, diabetes and Pooja Bedi’s breasts at the same time? The list, which ended up running into 8 tissues finally ended when I had to goto the bathroom and use the same tissues for bodily sanitization – or as Army people call it – a combing operation.
So what I have for you instead, is not my list – but stuff
needs independence from every year on 15th August. (Such a long diatribe to get to the point. This is the closest I’ll get to Dostoevsky, or Sidhu. Whatever) India
Media Re-hash: “Global dominance in software exports”, “Chicken Tikka Masala”, “Wax statues of SRK at Madame Tussauds” , “Bollywood” , “Brain drain/gain” , “21st century superpower” , “World’s largest democracy” , “Billionaire’s in Forbes List” , “Small car export hub” , “Generic drug manufacturing and global lead in pharmaceuticals” , “Seat at UN Security Council”… you get the idea. Ever since Salman Khan buffed up like an inflatable doll that’s ALL I’ve been fucking hearing about. It’s like every bloody newspaper and TV channel has an intern pouring over an excel sheet with buzzwords which get pieced together with the latest CII statistics to display how India is “poised” to take over the fricking world by 2020, become the world’s second largest economy and finally realise the nonsense that is giving a Chinese restaurant a Japanese name. I’m willing to bet my left man boob that a similar version of this same old shit will be regurgitated by the Indian media by the time you say bhen.
At the other end of this annual report of a news story lies the shock and awe. Here, the author will usually go “I love
because… ‘insert contradictory reason here’”. I love this technique, and I use it too – and I know we kill our girls before they’ve a chance to be born, how land reform sucks, how women have no rights, how our people face worse pavverty than Congo, how access to almost every one of the subjects of the UN Millennium Development Goals is a long way off for over half our population. I also know you’re going to show a photo essay on this– maybe even call it “The undiscovered/What India looks like” to show that you offer a balanced approach along with the India shining pat on the back. But like Obama said about McCain – it’s just more of the same. It’s not like you don’t have arms and can only screw cowgirl – c’mon, be creative! India
I don’t see how any of these media organizations are different from Yash Raj Studios. Same old story, buzzwords and clichéd self-referencing stories tinged with a “fresh new look” which in this case would be a photo-layout or montage. In short, I appreciate the sentimentality you’re trying to add in the same crappy annual report of a story, but it’s as effective trying to shove ape shit down a blocked toilet with a toothbrush.
Distorting treasures to make them "kewl": Our young people are massive tools with the entitlement and attitude of Anil Kapoor expecting to win a shaven haven contest. Thus, I find it ridiculous that we have to turn the whole bloody country and its institutions catering to their idiotic tastes. MTV India is one such channel – and this year they launched the “Asli Indian” campaign which includes, amongst other things, the national anthem being remixed. Really? This is what shit has come to that you’re giving the national bloody anthem a “new sense”? You know what, keep your new sense, use it as a stuffing into the nearest potatoes, grill them, put them on a skewer, put some shredded cheese on top to give it that yummy sticky texture and shove that skewer up your ass so that it comes out your mouth. Then, when I get my camera, I can ask you to say cheese. That is what I think of your new goddamn sense – where I click on a Like button on Facebook to express my outrage over a particular social issue while sitting on my ass and putting “Change agent wanting to make a difference in the world” on my resume. I’m guessing MTV and every other channel as already thought up an excellent tri-coloured logo and sent people out to interview youngsters on what “independence” means to them. I’m expecting answers such as “being rich”, “driving a fast car”, “not having to answer to your parents” among some of the answers. And yes, I’m 24. But I’m not stupid. Not stupid enough to dress up my employees like pimps in go-go bars and 40 year olds pulling off being hep anyway. So please – atleast this Independence Day, STFU.
Take that Twibbon and tie it like a bow around your balls: I’m sorry – but I don’t give a Nithyananda about putting a stupidass flag on my Twitter DP, whether 1 million Indians get on a Facebook page before 15th August or create a hashtag where I express my love for my country to get brownie points in front of everyone who is watching. The thing is, me and my generation haven’t had to make ANY sacrifices to get the kind of freedom we have. We can’t claim to understand the depths of what it means at all. And heck, I’ve lived in and traveled to communist countries where the debate is still alive and raging – and trust me when I say people our age don’t even deserve to have major perspective on this. Most of it, like this piece, is pure opinion – and though I’m all for emotion, I think we almost cheapen the day with some of our social media displays of
celebration. Some fucks still have flags of African teams from the football World Cup. Some of you still have your DPs green from supporting Independence last year. Michael Jackson’s kids are a year older and nothing has changed. So seriously – don’t get excited about your pages and Twibbons because that shit is stupid. Women can wear the tri colour sari’s though. They look super hot. Iran
Independence Day movies: The 15th August movie list will also remain the same as it does every year and include Gadar, Border, Bhagat Singh, Rang De Basanti, Lakshya, Mother India, some more shit by Sunny Deol, Indian, I – Proud to be Indian and the dubbed version of Will Smith’s Independence Day. It will also be interspersed with A.R. Rahman’s soulful rendition of Vande Mataram and some Incredible India commercials. Needless to say I will not be watching any TV. Instead, I will spend the day insulting muslims, blaming the Congress for being anti-national and not hanging Afzal Guru, remind people of the need to ban Blackberry’s in order to prevent terrorist attacks and finally dig up a hand pump while shouting “Suresh Kalmadi Zindabad Tha, Zindabad Hai aur Zindabad rahega!”
The Presidential Address to the nation: When was the last time you bothered listening to the Presidential address on Independence Day? You might have during Kalam’s time, but be honest – you just wanted to make fun of his hairdo and black hobbit like face no? Hell, I’ve met the guy and he is one of the most brilliant and humble people you’ll ever come across but to hear him talk? I’d like football studs in my nuts please. And Pratibha Patil? Really? Here we have a situation where the President wants to speak who nobody wants to listen to and a Prime Minister who everyone wants to listen to but can’t talk because he has the sahibzada’s inherited cock in his mouth. And I don’t see it changing anytime in the near future.
I can go on but then this will never end. So to conclude, I also think 15th August is one of the few days politicians might feel guilty about slacking off in Parliament. On a full day, they might do more than they seem to in an entire year. So maybe let’s just all work and goto work that day.
knows we have way too many holidays because of random gods who no one gives a fuck about anyway. And in a country where the sky is a fan and we the shit, it really shouldn’t be a dry day. People should be allowed to do some spontaneous drinking and drown in their CBI reports. Darwin
That said, Happy Independence Day. Remember, if this were
, you wouldn’t be reading this, and I’d have been shot dead. China
Image from freegreetingscards.blogspot.com
This hilarious Suresh Kalmadi - Inception meme template was created by Krish Ashok. I was one of the few hundreds who filled in the thought bubbles. If you don't know who he is, checkout his blog at krishashok.wordpress.com
Also, I've been busy with some things connected to my health this week - regular readers would be aware of the situation already - and that might lead into next week so haven't had much time to think about a new post. Will try and update it as soon as possible. Till then, see you on Twitter.
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