Why? Because I hate people.
Humans, as I have often said in the past, are the stupidest, most disgusting and shallow species on planet Earth. Don’t believe me? Just take a look at the world’s collective behaviour everytime Apple announces a new iPhone. We all should have turned into Jugal Hansraj’s career a long time ago and it’s a pity that we would have taken out so many other species by the time we turn into a lava based organic smoothie. That said, till the day comes (and I wait for it patiently – I wanted to say bated breath but my lung is about to collapse because of all the pollution – thank you again you fucking humans) we have to live with the showcases of our virtual insanity, cleverly disguised as socio-cultural definers of our increasingly inter-connected current generation. Perhaps the largest of these showcases, is the website called Facebook. For once, and I say this without hesitation, I agree with the steps taken by the Pakistan Telecommunications Authority. I don’t know about Allah, but any website that features so many humans displaying their miserable fuck existence is blasphemous to god given intelligence, mother Earth and Orkut. (No money was exchanged between me and the management at Orkut during the writing of this paragraph)
That said, I will elucidate on some of the reasons Facebook sucks more than a 4 year old with a straw and an empty glass of Coke.
Cryptic status messages: For some reason, people like to constantly update everyone about what they’re doing on an hourly basis. Even though it’s not ideal, I can still live with people going “Having lunch. Yum!” or “The tea was not very good” and the occasional “these boxers are making my balls itch”. What I don’t understand are those cryptic messages that are meant for a specific person but are cleverly disguised under the guise of universal appeal, socio-cultural commentary or earth shattering spiritual awakening. For example, on my current timeline I see – “Dying a slow death, over time”. Dude, what the fuck do I do then? Am I supposed to show sympathy? Are you baiting me to ask you what’s wrong? If you’re dying a death, why the fuck are you on Facebook anyway? Shouldn’t you be with the people you love? Actual humans? What is the etiquette?
Another thing I see right now on my timeline is “Our ability to appreciate the magic of life is based on our experience of the present moment.” Well whoop de fucking do I think I just realized the secret to immortality. What are you trying to prove? That you’re intelligent? That you had an epiphany that deserves to be shared with the whole world without any details as to why and how you got there and how it should be implemented? Or are you generally itching to type something so you copy pasted a quote from thinkexist.com just to impress your co-workers? What the fuck is the point? And then of course it is followed up by other dumbfucks on the time who must show that they have indeed understood the depth and technicality of the statement that was copy-pasted, thus impressing not on the people on their timeline, but also one-upping the original quoter.
And then of course are the dumbfuck best friends who no matter what you type will respond with a “I heart you”. When did love become so unfashionable? I heart you? Seriously? Is this a god damn Saffola commercial? Who comes up with this shit?
Someone please explain it to me right now.
Geo-tagging images: Like many others have said before me, I am now convinced that a lot of people spend every moment of their lives thinking about how to make it more Facebook-worthy. Photographs are perhaps the most critical part of this enterprise. While I can live with the ever changing main display picture (especially those shot in various stages of alcoholism and undress while sweating and chipkoing with fellow humans in a club like setting) what really annoys the hell out of me are touristy images such as those in front of the Niagara Falls, the colosseum, hell even that Qutub Minar with the dude supposedly holding the entire monument in his hand (yes, real original you Chinese cell phone owning copycat) Multiple pictures are clicked and subsequently tagged, leading to a complete flooding of ones timeline with retarded pictures of a person enjoying themselves while their fellow mates go oooh and aaah in the comments section. This is especially brilliant when a person gets a picture taken with a foreigner somewhere and comments are automatically rendered in Hindi along the lines of “Aur bhai kancha lag rahi hai isse kahaan se uthaa liya!” etc. I can safely say that the Commonwealth Games will also be a great boon for such photo-taggers, and I can’t hardly wait. (Also, all those idiots who are now studying in England or Australia in shitty universities who are feeling cool about your existence, you are automatically blocked because your very sight pisses me off while I type a letter to my university declining my scholarship due to medical reasons. To all of you, it’s no big deal to get into Manchester or Warwick
Mixing friends with family: I have a very clear “world’s should never collide” policy that I adhere to. This means that my school friends will never make contact with my college friends, who in turn will never be in touch with those at the workplace etc. Family stays above it all and is never made part of any social network and girlfriends again, are always blocked so as not to create an uncomfortable mish-mash. This makes it very easy to keep your personal, professional and erstwhile social life in harmony without creating situations where people from one group are pissed off with the other and random family members snooping in on what you are upto. Now, while my relationship with Facebook has been mixed (I had not used it in the middle for about two years, thus being totally out of touch with most friends) I still adhere to the same policy now that I am back on.
Unfortunately, more and more people I know seem to be mixing their friends and family which invariably leads to atleast some people getting completely pissed off and relationships getting damaged. Parents are joining in on the Facebook bandwagon trying to re-connect with their old friends while secretly keeping tabs on their kids. Kids, forced to accept their family members as friends are getting their style cramped and are generally behaving in an even more unnaturally stupid manner as compared to what they normally would. Mother’s and Father’s Days now require public wishes being bestowed since the parent is already on the website. It is all leading to a ridiculous amount of clutter and the sight of kids and parents both struggling with what to do and how to behave on Facebook is incredibly annoying. So please, if you are reading this, make a rule in your household as to who gets to participate in what sphere of social networking life and place some limits. It will only help you manage your shit better in the end.
Paid advertisements: Almost every company, NGO, dating website and Bollywood celebrity promotes themselves on Facebook through paid advertising, but I want to know just one thing – WHO THE FUCK IS GURBAKSH CHAHAL?!! Why is he ALWAYS on my Facebook page? Is he the Arindam of Facebook India
Social causes: Everyone has been witness to the brutal murders taking place across parts of Haryana and Delhi
If idiocy such as this isn’t epic enough, there are millions of other causes that you can join. Sure you can donate money, but how many really do? Let’s face it, the anti-child labour button? Just a substitute to having a baby or a puppy you could take along for a walk in the park. God knows it’s a chic magnet.
Facebook, unfortunately, seems to be creating a faux sense of “having done something” amongst young people when all they’re really doing is propagating dumbed down information in the already existing vacuum of their immediate network. Just see the kind of discussions most of these pages have, or the actual amount of factual information and statistical reportage that would help lead to a person coming to an informed opinion. They’re as shallow as the Ram Gopal Varma’s attempt at making horror movies. Except, these pages are scarier. If you really want to make a difference, read up through some actual websites, go work with your neighbourhood NGO, disseminate information in areas that actually need it, through channels that can actually work. In short, don’t be a dumb ass. (I bet atleast 5 people will jump and ask what I’ve done myself. I’ll check for comments)
Farmville, Mafia Wars and Quizzes: Not that this needs any elucidation, but I found out everything from what my eyes really mean to my sperm count thanks to the Facebook Quiz. Also, is there a task to loot someone’s farm in Mafia Wars where you cross over into Farmville? And seriously, don’t think you’re cool because you’re great at Scrabulous. Scrabble, original rules, you and me, open challenge, anytime, anywhere. I will own your ass.
Peeping tom: And then there’s a stupid ass controversy over privacy every three weeks. Look people, if you decided to join Facebook, kiss your privacy goodbye because you’re not going to have it. Crying about the company owning all your data after joining the website is like worrying about the circumcision after converting to Judaism. Point…ummm…you get the idea.
Friends and birthday reminders: I didn’t know that the number of “Friends” you have on Facebook is actually a competition. Back in early 2007 I was on about 610. I didn’t use it for about two years post that, and now I’m still on 620 something. All my other friends who continued working and kept meeting new people are now into thousands. The number of actual friends they talk to? Probably 6. Maybe 10 for the good-looking ones who were great at keeping in touch. But now I know why people keep so many friends in their lists. They all have a burning need to say “Happy birthday XXX, have a good one” EVERY SINGLE DAY no matter who the person, even If they haven’t spoken to them for the previous year. Just because you meet someone for 4 seconds doesn’t automatically make them your “Friend” and doesn’t mean you give them access to snoop into your private spheres. And then they say Michael Jackson fucked little kids.
To me, everyday is a reminder that I have useless people on my timeline who I will never talk to and doesn’t contribute to my existence on any spiritual or emotional level. I suggest you start re-figuring your relationships much the same way. Cutting through the crap will never be as much fun. Also, to the fucks feeling cool about having more “Friends” on Facebook – meet me on Twitter bitches – 16 bloody 00. Up yours.
So finally, Facebook for me will always be annoying because the people on it are largely annoying. Other social networks do not allow for such bullshittery to happen, which is why even though I’m not that great at using the medium, I prefer Twitter. Though given my attention span I’m sure I won’t be there for that much longer. That said, if you are a Facebook fanatic, you can join my blog’s Facebook Page. We can have conversations there, and you can feel like you’re a part of a bigger community instead. I hear you folks like that sort of thing.
Image courtesy www.panasianbiz.com
