Stupid people have all the fun

Posted by Khamba in February 26, 2010

I'm beginning to think being intelligent is the worst thing that ever happened to me. Now I'm not saying I'm super smart (academically or street) but i am aware, and tend to think about things that a majority of people my age don't seem to be thinking about. This is not a value or moral judgement in any way - and it might not even be factually correct - but just what I have experienced based on the kind of people i have been around. I also don't shy away from saying that stupid people piss me off. They do, they really do. They contribute nothing to the human race, seem to have no aspirational value and seem perfectly contended with their mediocre little lives - keeping themselves happy with events like having a Dal ka Halwa after lunch, or saving 10 rupees in a garage sale at Bhindi Bazaar.

But you know what - I'm totally jealous. Because all said and done, they seem to be so much happier than I have ever caught myself being.

I feel like the nerd who doesn't get into a cool college fraternity and tells himself that even if he doesn't get laid as much as the resident jock, at least he will make enough money and have a social status developing code for Microsoft the rest of his miserable life. The sad part in all this - even THAT doesn't seem to be working out.

Maybe things would be easier if I was stupider. I would be happy with a 10,000 rupee job and a 1000 buck raise at the end of the year would seem like a bonus. There would be no heartache because I would never fall in love with anyone, comfortable in the thought that eventually my parents would hook me up with someone who would also have given in to a life of mediocrity with her mediocre partner. I wouldn't feel jealous of people more creative than me because I would never think i had any talent anyway. There would be no constant struggle for self-improvement or proving things to myself or striving for absolutely anything. 

No wonder every philosopher seemed to have a painful death with many questions in his head still unanswered while the stupid humans made merry during when they weren't being persecuted. At the end of the day, who remembers your name more than 2 days anyway, no matter how big or important you become.

For now - just doesn't seem worth it.

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Train travel in India - Tips and Pointers

Posted by Khamba in February 24, 2010

Trains in India are usually divided into three categories:

Executive Class coaches are badged A - for Assholes, because thats usually how the uptight passenger behaves like when his Veg. platter has one pea too little.

Economy/AC Chair Car coaches are sometimes labelled B - for Bechaare. Bechaare roughly translates to poor souls. This is because they book AC tickets thinking they'll travel in luxury that regular Indians cant afford, but end up getting stuck between fat aunties whose gota garnished suits itch like a genital wart and whose wailing babies replicate the sound of Kishore Kumar in his grave everytime DJ Aqueel remixes another one of his hits.

Third is the cattle/sleeper class - christened S - for shitty. I personally also believe this is a sneaky potshot at the Mercedes S Class.

For an authentic Indian railway experience - one must always travel S Class. And for that, here are some key things to keep in mind.


1) Just because you have a seat doesn't mean you can do what you want with it. Any random fuck will come and ask you to "Please adjust" even if you dont want to. Especially old women. DO NOT bee nice to them. They are using old age as an excuse to cheat the government of its taxes - hence making them anti-national, hence not deserving enough to travel on train.

2) If the person who wants you to adjust does have a ticket but was on RAC or Waitlisted - tell them on their face that they are too fucking stupid to travel and throw them off on the next station.

3) If youre visibly Muslim (i.e. wearing an outfit) and not travelling between heavily concentrated poorer areas - be prepared to be stared at, questioned and called a terrorist. If you are visibily muslim and travel in A or B class, prepare to be stared at and thought of as a terrorist with more money as you are obviously funded by the ISI.

4) If you are a Sikh travelling in an A or B class - you are expected to wear nut hugging jeans. If you are a Sikh travelling in S class, you are expected to have atleast some part of your lipstick on your teeth (woman) or unwashed hait for 3 weeks (Men)

5) If you are Hindu - no matter what class you travel - you are expected to be dirty and pray 40 times within a one hour period while praising Rahul Gandhi.

6) If youre travelling down south - you will be woken up at 4 AM by a guy shouting "Kapi" in your ear.

7) If youre travelling up north - you will be woken up at 4 Am by a guy shouting "Chai" in your ear.

8) If you are travelling anywhere above Mumbai excluding the North East - there is a 65% chance of getting accosted by Eunuchs in the S class. Please keep your money ready or prepare to get the wackiest lapdance in history.

9) Trick: In any Indian train which serves food - they will asf if you want Veg or Non Veg food. Always ask if they have a "Continental" meal. For 10 rupees more its the cleanest and tastiest thing you can have which is normally reserved for frequent travellers. Never EVER step near the pantry unless you want to realise that the crispy almond in your salad was a sun-dried cockroach.

10) Practice Yoga before your train journey. It is critical to be able to balance yourself while peeing or crapping. The margin for error is less than it was for Luke Skywalker to destroy the Death Star. Unless ofcourse you want to come out wet.

11) Avoid washing your face early mornining near the public sink unless you want to see random men adjusting their crotches and hair from the night before in full amphitheatre view.

12) Never stand near an open door for too long. That lovely fresh smell of crops can quickly turn into a hard tilted electricity pole that just took your head off.

13) Never pay attention or make faces at little kids who keep staring at you as if you are a Chicken drumstick on a Tuesday. Like stray dogs, the more you humor them, the more they pester you.

14) Clevage and fluttering eyelashes go a long way if you have to adjust seats

15) Buy knick knacks from the blind sellers but dont give money to the random train sweeper. Twist your mineral water bottles after consumption so they cant be reused and dont expect to reach anywhere on time.

And finally, whenever you get a chance, take a flight instead.

(Image courtesy www.railwayshit.com)

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Wake up and smell the Thukpa

Posted by Khamba in February 22, 2010

The soul of the Tibetan Museum in Dharamshala is much like that of every Tibetan i've met. Open, warm...and almost apologetic about his/her existence basically trying to survive. How do you create a museum when over 2/3rd of your civilisational history has been systematically destoryed and culturally assimilated by an external force? To the regular eye a few banknotes and a bloodied shirt might seem topical items, but they probably bear the burden of hope for hundreds of thousands who still hanker for the dream of returning to their homeland. With almost everything in today's world governed by your sense of identity - to not have one, or to only have seen it from superficial sources -  is something that is beyond fathomable.
It reminded me of a television special where the Dalai Lama hosted an audience of young Tibetan refugees in India. And i remember how one girl just broke down because she felt she had let down her spirit and the message of compassion by reacting in anger to Chinese opression. I remember the face of the usually cheerful Dalai Lama becoming just a tad smaller - wondering perhaps how best to instill hope in a generation that has almost been lost. I also reminded myself how we, as Indians have largely assimilated Tibetans as we do with every culture that wants to be a part of our mix - but also how on many levels, we have let them down just like we have the people from our seven sisters. It disgusts me that us educated folk have reduced the Tibetan identity to Momos and Thanthuk, and that our school kids are never taught about the nuclear waste dump that has been made of the geographic region of Tibet.

It also disgusts me that like with everything else in the world, being small means you are left with no voice and that no matter what the level of descecration you might face, economics will overpower the sense of righteousness. It might seem a tad much to see the Free Tibet signs everywhere across the city of Dharamshala - but it is perhaps the only way to remind people of what is right and wrong in the world. The next time you see protestors wearing the T shirt in front of the Chinese embassy in New Delhi and getting arrested by a policeman - ask yourself whose side we are on. I know i will.

I know i have a lot of thinking to do the next few days about how i want to be involved. In the meanwhile wherever you might be - join the cause.


www.freetibet.org


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The 4 words that have destroyed the male soul

Posted by Khamba in February 15, 2010

My younger brother - all of 18 and on the verge of flunking his exams wanted me to do a relationship-y post. I normally don't do requests, and have been steering clear of writing about this subject thanks to its rather tumultuous association with me - but it got me thinking.

What are the toughest 4 words you ever hear as a guy when it comes to relationships? If you ignore statements associated with death and extreme financial misfortune, i think the list would probably include "I think im gay", "She's dating someone else", "What happened last night?" and the ever so expensive, "I think im pergnant". However, none of them are used as often or have devastated more lives (especially those of nerds) as...drumrolls...

"I like you...but"

This statement, which would even make god say "Fuck it, im leaving it to Satan" has the depth of Raag Maheshwari, the sting of a Jellyfish and the hurt of Sunny Deol punching your face 50 times, dancing to "Kammo" on your body and then proceeding to punch you a 100 times more. What they also provide, is the flexibility of a Russian gymnast forced to make a living in a Siberian circus.

Here are the ways women fill these blanks and what they actually mean.

Only as a friend = I find Thai Ladyboys better looking than you. (Here you lower your standards and find someone in your league)

I don't want to ruin the friendship = Dude, i just wanted to take your notes for the exams (Here you realise you already ruined the friendship)

I'm not ready to make the emotional commitment = I dont think youre worthy of sleeping with me (Or shes secretly Catholic)

The distance between us is too much and it wont work out = I dont care enough to want to make it work out and im not confident in front of a webcam or into sexting (Offering money here is a big no no)

I was promised to someone as a child (Ok i made this one up - but it'll be hilarious if someone came up with this - alongwith I'm a Manglik and you are not)

Every guy gets the "I like you...but" line atleast once in his life. I have as well (Guess which one) and without a doubt it is the most pissing off, annoying, excruiatingly ridiculous moment of dumbassedry that one can ever experience. If i were to just do a sample survey of all the nerds in my high school who got this line (this even after half the women in my school looked like David Blaine with their strict non waxing ways - damn you Sikhism. Youre the last people to talk about a guys looks) im sure the results will be startling. 

I personally feel it was one of the single largest reasons that so many chaps never managed to become more confident later in life, deal with co-ed situations more effectively and distinguish their brains from their libido. I can guarantee 2 are still suffering from PTSDs even now.

And for those who are lucky, they get it even when they grow up - as the "Don't call us, we'll call you" line. (It was invented by the "I like you...but" inventors cousin). Ofcourse, you never really get the call. But you try anyway just like in high school thinking maybe some good will come off it.

So whats the solution? I don't know. 


Can anyone point me to the RSS office? I want to know how to ban this imperialistic western language destroying the souls of our fellow Indians.

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Where's my Valentines?

Posted by Khamba

I dont remember a Valentines Day this quiet since i hit puberty.

The Shri Ram Sene did a disappearing act after its Chief got his face blackened by two delightfully lovestruck and unemployed youth.

The Shiv Sainiks were too busy crying about/after watching My Name is Khan and beat their usual retreat after the bomb blast in Pune.

The RSS Chaddiwaalas didnt even wince in Delhi - where if nothing else they atleast destroy a ramshackle fast food outlet (Im looking at you Wimpy's). Obviously, its still too cold to be wearing shorts this season.

The worst thing to hit me was one eunuch who asked for money while i was showing an associate around India Gate. Seriously, what the hell happened? One Eunuch? I don't remember when i got approached by a single Eunuch. Even at red lights while you're sitting in an auto you get accosted by atleast 10. Perhaps she was the only one who did not have a lover to spend the day with. Needless to say, i shooshed her away faster than i can gulp down a burger at Hard Rock Cafe.

The ultimate sign that everything was good and peaceful - a one hour waiting list at Big Chill.

Is there any surprise Indians celebrate Children's Day exact 9 months after Valentines?

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The Farmhouse Party

Posted by Khamba in February 4, 2010

There are few things in life i hate more than clubbing. (More on that later) But the one thing that comes perilously close is the ubiquitous farmhouse party. Truth be told i havent been to many farmhouse parties outside of Delhi, but the ones i have been to have continued to reinforce some ingrained beliefs.

1) Humans are Idiots. I hate idiots. Therefore, i hate humans.
2) While making the journey to heaven or hell, your soul automatically becomes sober. Because if god ever met a drunk chappie from a farmhouse party, he would have destroyed the Earth a long time ago.

So whats so annoying about farmhouse parties?

First, the goddamn name. If you don't have a farm, stop calling it a freaking farmhouse! Bigass mansion in the middle of a bigass manicured lawn with trees lining the walls DOES NOT equal a farmhouse. The only thing that grows within those walls is the owners inflated sense of self, the party boy's hidden stash of marijuana and if the family is open minded, the wife's fake bust line. Also, whatsup with all these farmhouses being given such crappy names? What the fuck is Pooja Farms? Ahuja Farms? Indians have the balls to name a mall next to Panipat (an ubertrash town) "Manhattan" and a one brick thick apartment complex in Noida as "Kensington Avenue", and the best we can do is name it after the idiot child? Why not call the "farmhouse" what it actually is? How about naming it "Property bought because i feel threatened by my neighbour farm" or "Tax Evasion Land" or even better, "Where i consummated my first bastard child Pad"?

Second, the people. Oh - the people. For some strange reason, like with clubs, humans seem to lose their collective shit at farmhouse parties. Maybe its because theyre not properly lit up, or that the Delhi fog gives a more natural affect than the smoke machine, but the amount of regrettable behaviour people seem to exhibit on entering those walls is priceless. Willy Wonka wouldnt have been able to generate the same results. At current count, i am aware of 3 couples who broke up after a tryst with a farmhouse party. Seemed happy too.

Third, the DJ. Admittedly the quality of DJing at these parties has improved. Since its away from any sense of law and order, security or municipal city limits, parties can go on forever and that is all good. But for a decade now farmhouse parties have given birth to countless fly by night DJs who play a 100 buck CD from Karol Bagh and pocket a neat package and alcohol in the process. Demand and supply was skewed and continues to stay that way. Pity.

Fourth, these parties have a fatal flaw in not having a Darwinian process of natural selection. Due to weak firewalls and mostly no entry fee, all sorts of creepos can get into these parties and get their mac on some unsuspecting half sloshed target. Seriously, the Jews had a better shot at survival against ze Germans.

Finally, with all sorts of nefarious shit going on - its a sobering reminder of how tonnes of these people need to be put in jail for flouting common laws. Watching your fellow species waste away in the guise of "fun" and sporting gang signs to seem hep just reminds you how fucking stupid they are. This ofcourse is not the case EVERYTIME, but at a large number of them. Everytime i see a drug bust, it warms my heart to see the kids with the towels on their faces.

Not so "kewl" now are you chum?

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