First things first - it's lovely to be in Mumbai. It reminds me of New Orleans post Katrina.

Air Force One was taxiing around the airport so long I thought some Sikh gentleman replaced my pilot.

Air Force Two is basically just full of computers that needed to get fixed at Nehru Place in Delhi. Part of my austerity drive.

Saw Mukesh Ambani's Antilla while we were landing. Now THAT's a building I wouldn't mind a plane crashing into. #uglyasfuck

Michelle is now the tallest man in India.

Indians everywhere are calling Michelle Kali. I knew she was strong, but didn't realise Indians thought of her as a goddess. Win :)

Who are these Jaypee Builders and why does my Blackberry have 300 sms's offering to sell me an apartment?

Just got off the phone with a young lady from some HDFC. Have secured major loans to sail over the recession. The trip is already win.

Spent a lot of time researching about India on Rediff comments, and am disappointed no one has offered me cow urine so far.

Proud of the sniffer dog unit accompanying me on this visit. We did a major cultural integration exercise for them at New Jersey.

This Diwali - I'm gifting Manmohan Singh a personality development and public speaking course with Glenn Beck.

I hate the Pakistanis. They keep saying the damn N word all the time. 

Tired of Pakistan's double game. First keep saying we want our own identity, then come to the U.S. and pretend to have an Indian restaurant.

So I told Zardari, India is like 50 Cent. You can bust a cap in its ass 9 times, but it'll still land up a successful billionaire. Unfortunately the only 50 Cent reference Zardari got was Get Rich or Die Tryin'

A true test of my being able to win hearts and minds will be if Indian men stop hesitating in watching black on black porn.

I'm not running for a second term if I've to deal with this Rahul chap.

Hamid Karzai's so stupid he thinks an Af-Pak is what you need to become a Bollywood star.

Message to Sikh brothers - Hard for me to give you visas is you put your income in quintals

No India, I cannot give you a UNSC seat through an OBC quota.

Why are you so obsessed with a Security Council seat when you can't even stop the Maoists from taking over 10 states?

Accidentally said I was a Gandhi fan like Miss World. Now have to mention it in every.speech.all.the.fucking.time #FML

Here's what I think really about Gandhi. Nobel Peace Prize: Me = 1, Him = 0.

American companies are looking forward to investing heavily in the Indian economy. Lemme just check with China and get clearance.

That American companies are at the forefront of cutting-edge innovation is proved by the McAloo Tikki burger.

We've given access to India with regards to sensitive dual use technologies. A Dominos pizza can now also be used to beat the shit out of your wife.

This taking our relationship with India "to the next level" reminds me of convincing my chick to go all the way after months of boob grabs.

I feel the only way to win the war in Afghanistan is if India renames its intelligence agency from RAW to SMACKDOWN

Who is this Vivek Oberoi fellow and why does he keep asking for passes for my dinner with Manmohan Singh?

Saw a preview of Maurya Sheraton's Obama tandoori platter. Every kebab was completely charred. Very funny assholes. But I guess they were just being realistic. Even the Hillary platter was cold, bland and with kebabs wearing a pant-suit.

If I were to write a book about India, I'd call it Eat. Pray. Hope you don't get diarrhea

The real reason Chagan Bhujbal declined my dinner invite is because our State Dept. asked invitees to submit a proof of conscience.
When I ask for cheese they give me something called paneer. When I repeat "CHEESE" they start smiling. This is pissing me off.

There's no way I'm giving you guys access to David Headley. I saw what your cops did with Jamaal in Slumdog Millionaire.

Curious to learn about the plight of drought hit suicidal farmers in the country. Looking forward to meeting Aamir Khan

We are willing to give India our toughest and best military hardware. For example, John McCain.
Why should American suppliers be liable in case of a nuclear accident? You wanted the damn deal not us.

Kashmir is sort of like Detroit. Except Canada doesn't want it

That India and China can put their fears aside and work together is proven every day by the humble Chicken Manchurian

Seems Hu Jintao is the Most Powerful Person in the world according to Forbes. Whatever. Most followers on Twitter bitches.

Overweight American kids can take heart in the successes of their Indian peers like Sania Mirza.

Take it from a black man - stop calling your development schemes "the projects" #deep

Learnt a new phrase today - Zindagi jhand phir bhi ghamand. Can apply it to so my countries my head is spinning.

All I have to do is smile, say namaste and make an Amitabh Bachchan reference to have all of you eating out of my hands

2 volcanic eruptions and an earthquake in the last one week in Indonesia. Seems disaster strikes everywhere I'm supposed to go

You guys need to stop calling me B.O. Indians…

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