Ever since News of the World broke the spot fixing scandal involving (allegedly) seven Pakistani cricketers, several things have been running through my head.

First and most importantly, what does Ali Azmat think about this? Second, why is that everytime Pakistanis and Bombay are involved (they were dining at a restaurant called Bombay Brasserie) a massive clusterfuck ensues? Third, doesn’t Veena Malik look like a younger and henna hair extension-less version of Shehnaz Herbal Hussain? Fourth, what conditioner does Mohammed Amir use that makes his hair so bouncy? Fifth, is some journalist going to inadvertently use “Pakistan is flooded with talent” in an article? Sixth, has Suhel Seth filed a PIL demanding the ICC be re-named International Council of Chutiyapanti already? And finally, what more proof besides the no-balls on order video do you need to convict someone of match fixing? Does the Emotional Atyachaar team have to shoot video of a player ass raping a bookie in Pervez Musharraf’s apartment while shouting “Take me like you took Gilgit?” to get some players banned for life for a couple of weeks?

While the answer to these questions remains important, what I’m more worried about right now is the future of Pakistan cricket. (An internet Hindu’s mind just blew as you read) Growing up in the dusty pesticide ridden fields of Indian occupied Punjab, my expansive career as vice-captain of the colony cricket team was all but shaped by mimicking Pakistan’s best and brightest. I could run as fast as Inzamam could mash potatoes in Canada, was blessed with the maa-bhen mudslinging vigour of Miandad, the technical correctness of Aaqib Javed’s batting and even dislocated a shoulder trying to impress a coach with my Waqar Younis action. (Or was that Debasish Mohanty? Anyway, who the fuck cares, turns out it wasn’t a coach just some guys watching me bowl from afar thinking I was a chic because I had washed my hair that morning and tied a pony tail) So as you can see, the deterioration of cricket in Pakistan is something that affects me deeply, and as such I must give my recommendations as to how to save it. (Enough humanization of the issue you think? Ok.)

Dissent amongst the ranks: Let me start off by saying that prophetic clashes are inevitable when you have more than one guy in the team whose first name is ‘a name I can’t take for fear of getting Theo Van Gogh’d’. Everyone has a special relationship with the almighty - and between Yousuf, Amir and Asif, it is but obvious that there would be groupism and unrest within the ranks. It is not easy to have your belief system questioned and constantly challenged by those who support another and players therefore must be treated with Akmal gloves. Thus, in order to prevent further fractures within the team and emphasize god’s oneness, I propose a “One ‘name I can’t take for fear of getting Theo Van Gogh’d’ at a Time” rule © ™. With only one big daddy in tow, not only will it ease confusion amongst fielders while calling for catches (another reason why it has become so abysmal recently) but also improve running between the wickets while creating a more secular team environment. And as far as captains go, if Bollywood is anything to go by, stick to your Khans.

Change kit colours: I also feel it is time for the Pakistan Cricket Board to re-invent the team and change the kit colours. I’m not saying to pull off a Mahindra & Mahindra where a minor change in paint job is hailed as the invention of another car segment – I’m talking pulling off a Michael Jackson. Although green is symbolic as far as religious identity goes, I feel it is time to choose a kit colour that is more representative of the nation. The West Indian maroon symbolize the blood that runs on some of their island streets, the Aussies chose bright yellow because that’s what the sun *really* looks like when seen without the ozone layer. Hell, even India changed to a darker shade of blue to represent the somber mood of the nation every time they played against Sri Lanka. 

My suggestion – go with Red. Not only does red perfectly signify the spicy cuisine, the super hot women and the Infrared beacons on Predator drones, it will rightly equate the Pakistani pace attack with Ferrari’s. And frankly, red lipstick still works instead of that ridiculous lime ice lip balm the Akmal’s seem to be so fond of.

New coaching staff: Since Pakistani coaches can’t seem to manage the team and white ones seem to…ummm, die…there is only one solution to the team’s coaching and management problem. Hire the Bhatt family. Sitting through Mahesh Bhatt’s long winded, inconsistent and perpetually boring movies are all the Test match practice any player can ever need. That and his ability to offer movies to the best players can work as the perfect incentive to extract stellar performances from players jinka dil hai ki manta nahi. External funding and investment can be handled by Mahesh Bhatt’s son, who has an extensive array of contacts especially in the United States (the next big cricket market) while Emraan Hashmi can don multiple roles such as that of physiotherapist, psychological counselor,  stamina and fitness trainer and helping bowlers perfect their over the shoulder bouncers.

Not only will this prove much cheaper, but be hailed across the world as a picture perfect Aman Ki Asha moment.

Better role models: Let’s start with the PCB chief. Ijaz Butt is like many 70 year old uncles who start bullshitting at parties after getting sloshed, basing everything on completely unrelated “life experiences”. You can’t really do anything about uncle since he’s in the family, but you secretly wish he’d have a heart attack. Is that the kind of role model administrator you’re looking for? What you need is a man like Sharad Pawar – a guy who looks at a flood and thinks - “Shit, this is an excellent opportunity to plant me some sugarcane.”

And if that wasn’t enough, everything Imran Khan ever did to create possibilities for Pakistani cricketers to bang hot chicks has been totally eroded by this current crop. I used to think they lacked the application to spot and dispatch sitters, but their eye for women has convinced me that they’re blind. Asif and Veena, Shoaib and Sania, Akhtar and...Umm…his foreign hand induced genital warts – I mean WTF happened? For this reason alone, I would like the BCCI to consider allowing Pakistani cricketers to attend IPL parties. They don’t have to be involved in any matches, but atleast let them rub shoulders with some hapless white chicks paid 15 grand a pop to get jiggy with it. Hell, even Sreesanth gets better ass, and that’s absolutely unacceptable.

With the implementation of these four critical steps, I am confident that Pakistani cricket will be able to bounce back much before Kasab gets hanged. Either that or Fatima Bhutto will write a book on this scandal where Zardari will be found the ring leader of every Indian bookie to have ever lived. 

Image courtesy www.topnews.in