A couple of days ago, while lunching over some Chicken McGrills (Though I prefer the original name - toilet sponge covered with caterpillar jizz and lightly toasted pavs. Yes I eat at McDonalds. Fuck you for judging me. Its good food, fast. I took a date there once. She pronounced it Fish “feel ett”. I never saw her again) a friend asked me an intriguing question – What does independence mean to you? And when I say intriguing, I mean the same jean-claude-van-damn question every news and entertainment channel asks its viewers in a poll on 15th August, when millions of Indians wake up groggy at 8:30 AM and turn on Doordarshan - only to realise the fucking parade happens on January 26.

But still, given that there were no couples breaking up to eavesdrop on, no vegetarians accidentally being served a McChicken or fights breaking out over the amount of ice in a large Coke, I decided to give the question some thought. What WOULD independence be for me? Would it be being able to spend a day without taking a dig at Uday Chopra? Being able to come out of the closet about secretly adoring the Twilight Saga? Not popping a pimple? Getting a post paid connection instead of relying on chotta credit to navigate the sexting sessions? A day without being told to buy the Slim Sauna belt and make friendship with Shilpa, Pooja or Dimpy? Not pee on the toilet seat? Be on Twitter without having to figure out an anagram? A day without random chest pain or a new medical study telling me I am 79.3% more at risk of getting cancer, diabetes and Pooja Bedi’s breasts at the same time? The list, which ended up running into 8 tissues finally ended when I had to goto the bathroom and use the same tissues for bodily sanitization – or as Army people call it – a combing operation.

So what I have for you instead, is not my list – but stuff India needs independence from every year on 15th August. (Such a long diatribe to get to the point. This is the closest I’ll get to Dostoevsky, or Sidhu. Whatever) 

Media Re-hash: “Global dominance in software exports”, “Chicken Tikka Masala”, “Wax statues of SRK at Madame Tussauds” , “Bollywood” , “Brain drain/gain” , “21st century superpower” , “World’s largest democracy” , “Billionaire’s in Forbes List” , “Small car export hub” , “Generic drug manufacturing and global lead in pharmaceuticals” , “Seat at UN Security Council”… you get the idea. Ever since Salman Khan buffed up like an inflatable doll that’s ALL I’ve been fucking hearing about. It’s like every bloody newspaper and TV channel has an intern pouring over an excel sheet with buzzwords which get pieced together with the latest CII statistics to display how India is “poised” to take over the fricking world by 2020, become the world’s second largest economy and finally realise the nonsense that is giving a Chinese restaurant a Japanese name. I’m willing to bet my left man boob that a similar version of this same old shit will be regurgitated by the Indian media by the time you say bhen.

At the other end of this annual report of a news story lies the shock and awe. Here, the author will usually go “I love India because… ‘insert contradictory reason here’”. I love this technique, and I use it too – and I know we kill our girls before they’ve a chance to be born, how land reform sucks, how women have no rights, how our people face worse pavverty than Congo, how access to almost every one of the subjects of the UN Millennium Development Goals is a long way off for over half our population. I also know you’re going to show a photo essay on this– maybe even call it “The undiscovered/What India looks like” to show that you offer a balanced approach along with the India shining pat on the back. But like Obama said about McCain – it’s just more of the same. It’s not like you don’t have arms and can only screw cowgirl – c’mon, be creative!

I don’t see how any of these media organizations are different from Yash Raj Studios. Same old story, buzzwords and clichéd self-referencing stories tinged with a “fresh new look” which in this case would be a photo-layout or montage. In short, I appreciate the sentimentality you’re trying to add in the same crappy annual report of a story, but it’s as effective trying to shove ape shit down a blocked toilet with a toothbrush.

Distorting treasures to make them "kewl": Our young people are massive tools with the entitlement and attitude of Anil Kapoor expecting to win a shaven haven contest. Thus, I find it ridiculous that we have to turn the whole bloody country and its institutions catering to their idiotic tastes. MTV India is one such channel – and this year they launched the “Asli Indian” campaign which includes, amongst other things, the national anthem being remixed. Really? This is what shit has come to that you’re giving the national bloody anthem a “new sense”? You know what, keep your new sense, use it as a stuffing into the nearest potatoes, grill them, put them on a skewer, put some shredded cheese on top to give it that yummy sticky texture and shove that skewer up your ass so that it comes out your mouth. Then, when I get my camera, I can ask you to say cheese. That is what I think of your new goddamn sense – where I click on a Like button on Facebook to express my outrage over a particular social issue while sitting on my ass and putting “Change agent wanting to make a difference in the world” on my resume. I’m guessing MTV and every other channel as already thought up an excellent tri-coloured logo and sent people out to interview youngsters on what “independence” means to them. I’m expecting answers such as “being rich”, “driving a fast car”, “not having to answer to your parents” among some of the answers. And yes, I’m 24. But I’m not stupid. Not stupid enough to dress up my employees like pimps in go-go bars and 40 year olds pulling off being hep anyway. So please – atleast this Independence Day, STFU.

Take that Twibbon and tie it like a bow around your balls: I’m sorry – but I don’t give a Nithyananda about putting a stupidass flag on my Twitter DP, whether 1 million Indians get on a Facebook page before 15th August or create a hashtag where I express my love for my country to get brownie points in front of everyone who is watching. The thing is, me and my generation haven’t had to make ANY sacrifices to get the kind of freedom we have. We can’t claim to understand the depths of what it means at all. And heck, I’ve lived in and traveled to communist countries where the debate is still alive and raging – and trust me when I say people our age don’t even deserve to have major perspective on this. Most of it, like this piece, is pure opinion – and though I’m all for emotion, I think we almost cheapen the day with some of our social media displays of Independence celebration. Some fucks still have flags of African teams from the football World Cup. Some of you still have your DPs green from supporting Iran last year. Michael Jackson’s kids are a year older and nothing has changed. So seriously – don’t get excited about your pages and Twibbons because that shit is stupid. Women can wear the tri colour sari’s though. They look super hot.

Independence Day movies: The 15th August movie list will also remain the same as it does every year and include Gadar, Border, Bhagat Singh, Rang De Basanti, Lakshya, Mother India, some more shit by Sunny Deol, Indian, I – Proud to be Indian and the dubbed version of Will Smith’s Independence Day. It will also be interspersed with A.R. Rahman’s soulful rendition of Vande Mataram and some Incredible India commercials. Needless to say I will not be watching any TV. Instead, I will spend the day insulting muslims, blaming the Congress for being anti-national and not hanging Afzal Guru, remind people of the need to ban Blackberry’s in order to prevent terrorist attacks and finally dig up a hand pump while shouting “Suresh Kalmadi Zindabad Tha, Zindabad Hai aur Zindabad rahega!”

The Presidential Address to the nation: When was the last time you bothered listening to the Presidential address on Independence Day? You might have during Kalam’s time, but be honest – you just wanted to make fun of his hairdo and black hobbit like face no? Hell, I’ve met the guy and he is one of the most brilliant and humble people you’ll ever come across but to hear him talk? I’d like football studs in my nuts please. And Pratibha Patil? Really? Here we have a situation where the President wants to speak who nobody wants to listen to and a Prime Minister who everyone wants to listen to but can’t talk because he has the sahibzada’s inherited cock in his mouth. And I don’t see it changing anytime in the near future.

I can go on but then this will never end. So to conclude, I also think 15th August is one of the few days politicians might feel guilty about slacking off in Parliament. On a full day, they might do more than they seem to in an entire year. So maybe let’s just all work and goto work that day. Darwin knows we have way too many holidays because of random gods who no one gives a fuck about anyway. And in a country where the sky is a fan and we the shit, it really shouldn’t be a dry day. People should be allowed to do some spontaneous drinking and drown in their CBI reports.

That said, Happy Independence Day. Remember, if this were China, you wouldn’t be reading this, and I’d have been shot dead.

Image from freegreetingscards.blogspot.com