I’ve to admit, last week has been very annoying for me. Not only did Pakistan beat Australia in a Test match after 15 years while our boys were getting their ass handed to them as if they were part of an Afghan tribal re-settlement plan (Get it? Ass handed to them? Ass as in donkey? In Afghanistan? Like a pun? Ok.) by the Sri Lankans, (aren’t Buddhists supposed to be non-violent? WTF?) they were also declared the number 1 country when it came to searching for pornographic content on Google, thus leading to coinage of a term called “Pornistan”.

First of all, I much prefer the term traditionally used by Indians while referring to their batshit crazy stalker ex-girlfriend-ish neighbour always wanting to be a part of our lives from the west i.e. Porkistan. Second of all, as a right-wing Hindu nationalist (I thought I was Sikh, till the VHP told me I was also Hindu, so I decided to believe them. Also, they had a trishul in their hands) I have been trained to believe that India is No. 1 at everything in the world, be it number of movies produced annually, the quality of our doctors and scientists, ability to burn trains with people inside them or hospitality words esteemed guests like Taslima Nasreen and Than Shwe. Thus, the fact that Pakistan ranked No. 1 in googling things like “sex”, “camel sex”, “rape video”, “child sex video” smacked of the same credibility as Inzamam-Ul-Haq filling an IELTS score of 8.5 on his British visa application.

Thus, I decided to further investigate the matter, and I am happy to announce that India is, infact, the real Pornistan. (And also, Hindus used Stan much before and Pakis and Eminem) Here is what I found:

Beastiality is not limited to Mortal Kombat: While Pakistani’s might pride themselves on being number 1 when it comes for searching for goat and cow sex (the latter presumably to try and understand the nitty gritties of Hindu procreation strategies) and cases of villagers inserting their seekh in the burra, they must not forget that India exceeds their beastiality rates like Rehman Malik’s coherence beats everyone’s expectations. The reason for this is simple. We treat all our women like animals. Throughout India, thousands of women are victims of domestic abuse and get beat up on a day to day basis like cattle, expected to do all the work, and are eventually milked and coerced into producing more of its species. Even in a metropolis like Mumbai, a woman can be seen making the same amount of money a donkey does for ferrying the same number of bricks on its back, and sometimes, just like goats are marinated before going into the tandoor, we like to blacken our women’s faces and parade them naked for crimes against humanity like drinking from the same tap as a higher caste woman. Think of it as an Indian cow eating the grass reserved for Wagayu cattle. Would you allow it? I don’t think so. Hell, some of our men are so creative (like Sushil Sharma from Delhi) that after chopping up his wife like a goat, he even put her in an actual tandoor to get rid of the evidence! Thus, in sheer absolute numbers, given the number of women in our country, it’s a no contest.

Diversity leads to segregation: Bhabhi sex is to the average Indian what goat sex is to the studly pashtun man. As you noticed however, bhabhi is not an English word. Similarly, across India, the search for pornographic material gets segregated based on language and geography. While the Punjabi man might search for material by keying in “Bhen di”, the Hyderabadi looks for it under “Shakeela ka paseena”. Child rape gets keyed in across Goa during peak tourist season while “Poda Pakoda” is on the tip of everyone’s tongue in Hyderabad. Queries keyed in by Delhi schoolboys always involve “MMS” and then there are entire states (Bihar) where the VCD of “Andheri raat mein diya tere haath mein” played the same role as Mahabharata and Hum Log to the average Doordarshan watcher. Thus, as you can see, despite pornography being as critical to the development of Indian sexual expression as the Maruti 800 was for the car industry, specific references to sex and animals were and are few and far between. So even though you think you are ahead of us, you are not.

If you want more proof, just check Metacafe and Dailymotion etc for clips titled 18+. A Ravi, Mohan or Rajiv, stocked with a Kama Sutra reference will pwn anything your native can come up with.

We’ve been watching donkey’s fuck before the dawn of Internet: I would also like to humbly remind you of the classic Akshay Kumar (commonly referred to as a Jackass) and Rekha mud bath scene from one of the Khiladi series. So really, it has been engrained in our culture from much before Pakistan can stake claim on it. Even today, people like Arnab Goswami, Chetan Bhagat and the crew at India TV continue to rape our brains on a day to day basis. Not even the finest exhibition from Heera Mandi can match the nightly orgy that takes place thanks to Indian television. Where do you think the term “fucking someone’s brains out” originated?

Café ho gaya ab bas bhi karo: Again, while Pakistan has 10.4% internet penetration (no pun intended, but completely unavoidable) to India’s 6.9%, in terms of geographical outlay, their people remain far behind when it comes to accessing porn. Thanks to the internet, cyber café’s have mushroomed across rural India where millions of kids, who spend months collecting 20 Rs are able to surf the internet for 30 mins (during which they can jerk off to a pop up window that blazes open thanks to the 16.6 Kbps connection / practically implement what they have learnt from with videos with village younglings in closed cabins)

And if cyber café’s weren’t enough, an entire sub-culture of morning movie-show watching has also been going strong where pornography can be accessed first thing in the morning as long as you are willing to leave one seat between you and the next guy (in case human emitted projectiles land where they aren’t supposed to) and promise not use the extra tissues given with the popcorn to wipe excess salt. Thus, what we have effectively done is made pornography a respected means of contributing to the national economy while braving the onslaught of pirated CDs that are exposing young Indians to black and Latin cocks that are making them feel bad about their own manhood.

All this while CD shops and cyber cafés across the border meet the same fate as the Shyama Prasad Mukherjee Swimming Pool Complex.(Sorry, just had to throw in another CWG reference)

Thus, as we can see, despite all of Pakistan’s chest thumping over being christened Pornistan, India is the only cuntry that truly deserves the title. Till then I suggest they go back to being No.1 in claiming their right over things that don’t belong to them such as American money, Nodong missiles and Kashmir. Unless they release a Sania Mirza sex tape, in which case they can take Kashmir. Or Goa. Whatever.

For my article on the Differences between North and South Indian Porn, click here

Inspiration courtesy Iblees's excellent article