“The Commonwealth Games are the Shahid Kapoor of sporting events. Lots of buzz, but no substance and eventually no one giving a 100 metres fuck” – G. Khamba
That said, just like millions of girls love Shahid Kapoor for no apparent reason, I am utterly in love with the Commonwealth Games. Here is why you should drop the negativity and learn to love them too.
No expense will be spared: I don’t know people why are making such a fuss about 80,000 crore being spent unaccounted over the Commonwealth Games. How is it any different from our much beloved 2G spectrum controversy? I don’t know about you, but thanks to A. Raja I get full network coverage no matter where I go. Sure, critics would say that with 80,000 crore Parle could buy the entire country of Sierra Leone, employ every black guy for their LMN ads for the rest of their lives and still be left with enough pocket change to buy Togo. That we could effectively tell Karzai to fuck off, buy
, and integrate all their mujahideen into the Indian Army to make up for our shortfall of 30,000 officers. (How cool does 13th Opium Raiders division sound?) That with that kind of dough, we could get Karan Johar to make a Bollywood version of Avatar, buy hundreds of garlands for Mayawati’s next birthday, convince Dawood Ibrahim to shoot Mamta Banerjee at sight, use Brinda Karat’s packets of bindis to train the CRPF in shooting Naxals, get Shashi Tharoor to live tweet his experience while fucking Mrs. Pushkar and buy every RSS activist a proper pair of pants along with a carbon-fibre lathi. But where is the pride and glory in that? Who cares about providing thousands of villages an electricity connection, a tap, feeding our kids (to whom their brethren in Sub-Saharan Africa seem sponsored by McDonalds) text-books or invest in other frivolous stuff like bullet proof jackets for cops, granaries or putting a hit on whistleblowers across the state of Gujarat? Afghanistan
If you’re at a party and Deepika Padukone wants to blow you in the loo, would you really bother hitting on Gracy Singh? Such expenditure is vital for our democratically elected representatives the same way it is important for 40 year old women to wear push up bras. Without this, no one pay them any attention or care about their existence, and they would never be in the public eye.
"World Class" infrastructure will be created: Another fantastic reason to love the Commonwealth Games is the superior, world-class infrastructure (sporting and otherwise) it has created across
. I mean who gives a shit about a protected forest ridge in North Delhi when you can build a Delhi Rugby stadium which will have Rahul Bose running around topless and eventually play host to hundreds of wedding receptions? How will Mishra Ji’s daughter have the Greek-themed wedding of her dreams with a Chaat-paapri and Pasta Station if it weren’t for the spruced up Jawaharlal Nehru stadium? And where would you pee if it weren’t for the “world-class” toilets that are being built across the city? Don’t you see? This is all part of a long term government vision of ridding itself of the yellow paint and white bathroom tiles with images of Hindu gods mafia that has literally held our 1.8 million people looking to water nature’s creations through its testicles! I hear these new “world class” lavatories even have something called toilet-paper!
And did you checkout the awesome, built to “world class” standards, professional table-tennis stadium and shooting range? I mean if wet paint, leaky ceilings, holes in the walls and a structure about to crumble because of 4mm of rainfall doesn’t create an atmosphere that will test the pinnacle of athletic endurance, focus, training and mental conditioning, I don’t know what will. And am I the only one excited by the prospect of all our civic agencies FINALLY cooperating and showing some empathy? Is there any better example of the spirit of the games being upheld and lived through on a day to day basis than the brand new, 650 crore rupee worth Municipal Corporation office’s roof caving one day after the same type of leak happened at the new airport terminal fondly known as T3? Maybe it’s just me, but I smell public-private bhagidari case study at
. Harvard Business School
And don’t even get me started on the AWESOME
. It is without doubt, as Mr. Kalmadi said, the best Games Village to have ever been created. Not only have 2 out of the what were supposed to be over 10 apartment blocks already been completed, the lack of approach roads, garbage disposal units, entertainment centre, hospital, connectivity to regular public transport will give athletes the true, authentic Indian taste of living that even the likes of Dilli Haat and Chowki Dhaani can only hope to offer. All they need is a bunch of eunuchs accosting you for money, and the Incredible India experience will be complete. I can only hope that my kids live to see the beauty and development that this city has gone through, and I am sure with the number of cellphone towers littered across the street limiting my sperm production to the amount of acne on my face, that day will not be far off. Games Village
Did you check out our public transport?: Another great feat ushered in due to the impending Commonwealth Games has been the new TATA built low-floor buses. While citizens could earlier get run over like stampede victims at Vaishnodevi by speeding blue line buses and trying to cross the BRT corridor, they now encounter a much more civilized and historically-rooted death thanks to the impulsive and spontaneous CNG combustion engines. Gotta love these Parsis and their obsession with fire no? Full marks for practical implementation of mythological customs I say.
That said, if death by barbeque isn’t your thing, you can always sacrifice yourself for the cause of development by falling into open sewage systems (not applicable in Gurgaon), re-creating scenes from Tom and Jerry while anvils and Metro cement pillars fall on your head and crush you like a cock at a gay bar, flipping your car over left over debris ala Salman Khan or take a Metro to Noida, where you will be robbed, raped, stabbed, drugged or violated within 3 hours and the cops will have Noid(e)a. The last one however, isn’t really glamorous so don’t blame me if you don’t make it to the papers the next morning.
We can walk! We can ACTUALLY walk! : Perhaps the most visible change in the city’s landscape is that
has pavements. Sure, unlike a lot of other countries where trees line the edges of the street and the pavements the roads we have the concept other way round, but atleast this way people get to stand inside puddles of water and grass while standing around waiting for the lovely low-floor buses to pick them up. If that isn’t therapeutic I don’t know what is. Plus, don’t you just love the Manish Arora-esque hues that the city has gotten thanks to the pavements? I mean it was sheer genius on the part of the government to hand over one side of the road to one contractor and the other to another because now we have red and yellow bricks on one side and grey ones on the other! It totally goes with the purple and pink motifs on the grey buildings they have all over Delhi Connaught Place! Isn’t it lovely?
Even an epileptic working in an Asian Paints factory that was told the city was a blank page of MS Paint wouldn’t have been able to bring out such vibrant hues!
The best part? Because the light-weight bricks aren’t stuck with cement, people from lower stratas (read Uttar Pradesh) of society can totally remove them and build their own houses! Has any so called socially responsible corporate ever come up with such brilliant low-cost housing strategies? L&T, DLF, GMR etc should be more ashamed than Mel Gibson’s parents. And I don’t know how you feel, but I think it is high time that our paan-waalas and illegal immigrants have a flat pavement to be able to build their business and houses on. It is the closest we have come to giving our lower sections a level playing field
The man currently known as Suresh Kalmadi: Perhaps one of the biggest reasons I love the Commonwealth Games, is that it is led by Mr. Kalmadi. In my lifetime, I have never seen anyone with his sort of vision, skill set and consistency in execution no matter the project at hand. Whether it was East Pakistan in the 71 war, the city of Pune, the Indian Olympic Association to now the Games, everything he has touched has been completely destroyed, and it is a pity that a man of such fortitude, integrity and ethics has not been tasked with other projects vital to India such as the development of the Light Combat Aircraft (LCA), the Mumbai Metro, the Ram Mandir at Ayodhya and the Lovely Professional University campus proposed near Delhi.
Such is the foresight of the man whose middle name is Kallu, that he is said to have led the IOA into bidding for the 2018 Olympic Games without any governmental discussion or approval. If that isn’t Chinese agents having successfully pulled off an Inception, I don’t know what is. Who else besides KPS Gill, Sheila Dikshit, Mamta Banerjee, Manmohan Singh, Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi, Uday Chopra, Arindam Chaudhary, L.K. Advani, Ravi Shankar Prasad, Abhishek Singhvi, Sagarika Ghose, Barkha Dutt, Rehman Malik, Shah Mahmood Qureshi, Sarah Palin, David Davidar, M.S. Gill, Yash Chopra, Subhash Ghai, Sonu Nigam, The Communist Party of India, Sukhbir Badal, Karunanidhi, Jayalalitha, Ashok Chavan, Pratibha Patil, the Maratha Warriors, Sharad Pawar, Shashi Tharoor and Lalit Modi has the ability to be surrounded by an absolute clusterfuck of a situation that is beyond salvaging and has any scope of matching the planned expectation and still say it will be completely alright? Okay, maybe Sunny Deol. But you get the point.
It doesn’t matter if our next four generations have to pay physically, emotionally and financially through our noses to be able to fund this stellar 2 week exercise of parading our Bollywood stars and Shaimak Davar’s students on a stage built by Ahuja tent house in front of the world in the name of national pride. We should suck it up and do it with pride for people like Mr. Kalmadi. Because even if he dies tomorrow, what is important is that we stick to Indian cultural values, respect our elders and do what they say. They are, after all, always right.
I like them panties: And finally, I am also glad that the government has done whatever it can to provide our lower sections with some form of entertainment. Not only will a lot of illegal and underage construction workers die by the time construction is over, thus putting to an end their miserable fuck lives and reducing the population burden, for those who have survived, the athletes from over 70 countries who will make it will atleast provide a chance to conduct some better rapes and robberies. I mean even if you love butter chicken, you can’t keep having that for dinner all the time you know. Bangers and Mash can make a good alternative, and I am sure some of our kids will make the most of the opportunity. Personally, I hope they take some Ozzies down. Beat our kids will you assholes?
In conclusion, we as citizens of this country must come together and support our administrators to make the CWG a success. It doesn’t matter that the Queen isn’t coming when we have Pratibha Patil. It doesn’t matter that Usain Bolt isn’t coming because all of us were going to say “dekh kaalchi kaise bhaag rahe hain” and not be able to distinguish one black athlete from the other anyway. It doesn’t matter if some female British high jumpers aren’t showing up when women aren’t encouraged to go that high in our country anyway. What should matter is that with all these athletes backing out,
might win a few more medals. And when that happens, we shall all go Jai Hind together. So buy your CWG tickets, and I shall see you at the Games. (Though only in events which have the least possibility of a terrorist attack, such as rugby) India
Image courtesy www.topnews.in