DELHI: While the world celebrates the successful completion of the FIFA World Cup 2010 in South Africa, it seems not everyone is waving flags. If recent reports are to be believed, the Delhi Chapter of the global crime syndicate, World Association of Kleptomaniacs and Assaulters (WAKA) is furious with the lack of crime perpetrated during the month long event and has sent a strongly worded dossier to the headquarters of the syndicate in Colombia - highlighting it’s disastrous impact on local goons who are busy preparing for the Commonwealth Games this fall.


Highly placed sources within the syndicate have stated that the lack of rapes, chain-snatching, sexual assault, armed robbery and other such acts during the World Cup has greatly shattered the morale of local goons, who were looking forward to implementing some Best Case Practices from South Africa, a country that till now was looked up to as a great source of inspiration, innovation, courage and mentorship and considered second only to Venezuela when it comes to crime.

Sunder (name changed), a member of the Delhi WAKA, had this to say. “See till now we were used to raping women in Goa and doing some ass grabbing and chain snatching in Old Delhi etc. We were hoping with the FIFA World Cup, we will get to see how to operate in a bigger environment with people from hundreds of countries joining in. But now we don’t know where to look at for such information. Already all our boys that have been stationed at the international airport, railway station, old Delhi and other posh colonies are starting to lose interest and thinking of going back to basic bread and butter i.e. girls from the North East. Aise kaise chalega? Poora market share Haryana ke launde aur khappi le jaayenge”

Another criminal, Pyaare (name changed) said, “This has put a lot of pressure on us to deliver. Already all the news headlines are being grabbed by the lack of infrastructure and terrorist threat, and now we will have to do something really special to get WAKA back in the headlines. We were hoping South Africa would live upto it’s expectations but as a lot of us suspected, you really can’t trust these black folks. Already they are coming to Delhi and have stolen all the cocaine market. I think it is a conspiracy to malign India and it’s reputation.”

Delhi Police officials however, are not so perturbed. Commissioner Y.S. Dadwal issued a statement saying “We congratulate the South African authorities on a job well done. However, we are always careful about infringing on the rights of a common man. Thus, I am sure some rapes will still happen, especially now that people can travel in comfort between Delhi and Noida through the Metro. If we can keep the number to below 15 and limit it to South East Asian countries, we would have succeeded.”

There is still light at the end of the tunnel however. Some local criminals still managed to make the most of the event. Pappu, who works for a start-up biker gang said “We could learn a lot from the event. Uruguay ke team mein sab chor bhare the, unse seekhne ko bahut mila, especially how to use your hands in pressure situtions. Plus we have now imported our own Octopus Baba. We will only strike those colonies which Octopus baba tells us to.”


Linked with Faking News story dated July 13, 2010