Raze India Gate to the ground: I am convinced that it is the creation of the India Gate and the names of our fallen soldiers inscribed on its surface that have given every Indian the idea of desecrating the walls of EVERY other monument with things like “Montu Loves Rupa”, “Outlawwzzz were here”, “Love you jaaniyaa” and other such Rahul Mahajanesque bullshit. The sheer scale of it is astonishing. People have used pencils, crayons, spray paint, compasses, broken pieces of stone, cum (ok I made that one up, though it sure as hell smelled like it) and god knows what not to inscribe their names on the walls of our forts. The thing is though; their names will not go down in history until they are alive. Therefore, I think we should make a rule that anyone who even thinks of using our heritage as a giant etch-a-sketch should be the victim of an honour killing. I am willing to volunteer for this cause. It is the only honourable thing to do.
Install CCTV’s at every khopcha: If you ever visit Nahargarh Fort, be sure to check out all its cosy balcony spots on the top floor. Not only will you get some excellent shots of Jaipur below, you will probably run into atleast three semi-naked couples. Personally, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I mean if kings were allowed to do 17 wives at a time within the same walls, what harm will one man’s fantasy of ejaculating at the highest point in the city do? That said, I think it can be a great money-spinner for our fund-crunched agencies. Imagine the amount of money that can be made by pedalling MMS’s of couples of who decide to pull an ND Tiwari there to various websites. In addition, it will attract a stream of curious visitors who would have already seen the videos online. Look what Rang De Basanti did for that fort. Naked at Nahargarh videos will “blow” Fast Times at Ridgemont High outta water (pun unintended but completely unavoidable)
Don’t have ridiculous policies for cameras: Another curious thing is the camera policy at some of these places. At the
Bring back the Paan eaters: This is specifically for the Red Fort in
Remove the unholy mess: Seriously Hindus, is there any fucking animal that you don’t find holy? Can’t get the damned cows off our streets or feed them to the firangs during the Commonwealth because it is “our”, correction, “your” maata. Can’t kill the damned stray dogs for fear of retribution in your next life. Can’t kill the freaking red-assed monkeys that have found refuge in every monument because of Hanuman. I am sick of this shit. Choose ONE. You can’t be making your paneer and eating it too. The animals that are useful for the eco-system, think Tigers and one-horned rhinos you have no issues poaching and selling to the Chinese to make some testicle whipping aphrodisiacs, but getting rid of monkeys? Nooo! Can’t do that! It has my uncle’s soul buried inside him somewhere! Seriously, get rid of monkeys from the monuments. They bite kids and tourists and steal shit from you when you are not looking. If I grew a tail and stole your DSLR, would you be ok with it? The only Dharam you should be worried about is the one that ends with “endra”.
Change the differential pricing: What’s with charging foreigners 10 times the amount of entry fee you charge Indians? Actually, wait, fuck it. Perfectly fine. Screw the whiteys. Increase the prices by 15% if you feel like. No objections there. If I have to pay 20 pounds to look at a fucking wax statue of Shah Rukh Khan at Madame Tussads, they can pay 750 to look at the Taj Mahal.
Give the security people some guns: Seriously, you expect security guys to ensure crowd control with a couple of lathis? That’s as easy as getting a Japanese man to pose for a picture without the V sign. Please realise that our security people have to manage everything from a terror threat to a Bangladeshi family of twenty that insists on eating mutton rolls in the back foyer of the Taj, right in front of the board that says “No eatables allowed”.