Long Distance Schmucks :/

Posted by Khamba in December 31, 2009


Long distances relationships suck. Technically, they arent long distance relationships because they arent relationships to begin with. You know why? Because theyre long distance! All you can do is sit around hoping for the next chance encounter with that person - hoping the magic gets recreated. Or you can create rules and schedule when those encounters will happen - which as any self-respecting teenager will tell you - completely ruins the whole spontaneity rubbish.



And therein lies the eternal dilemma. Do you risk scheduling and killing the excitement of those chance encounters or do you mope around listening to Dave Matthews and getting distracted while doing everything else hoping to get a whiff of the other? And even if you work your ass off for three months and try and save money to get together thanks to aircraft, the dreaded visa rears its ugly head (not applicable to the Europeans).



Then theres other conundrums. Is calling allowed? Can you call everyday or is that an invasion of space? (On a sidenote - everyone on facebook who cribs about their privacy not being respected needs to get slapped) And then theres also the semantics. Can you say things that are acceptable in your culture but can be completely misinterpreted in the other? Who decides on symbolism? Is leaving an offline message a positive sign or another space invasion? Is asking for pictures normal or something that ND Tiwari would do?


All you can really do is stretch the conversation long enough to be in physical proximity. If that goes beyond 6 months, not only are you in for a completely annoying 6 months of moping and giddy excitement, but also under constant threat of insecurity that one day - you will be bumped off by someone else in a mistaken state of drunken stupor.

And lets not even get into the arguing. Oh - the arguing. Because youve spent one week wondering and thinking what the other person was upto - the next 2 hours you do get end up being spent arguing about what did not happen in the past week. There go your two hours - and another crappy week of high drama and loneliness ensues.

During this time you also start re-reading all your emails and past conversations to pick on signs that you might have missed out on. Then, your brain goes into overdrive, and a myriad of connections start forming in your head that would put Da Vinci Code to shame. Your brain goes Aha! this was all a mistake anyway, and it was never going to work out, now that you perceived line number 6 of email number 19 to be something that it wasnt. All a shame, because your friends who have admired your courage in pursuing something so illogical, finally realise that it has had an incredibly damaging impact on your head, and that perhaps, it would have been better to not entrench yourself into the charade of a love torn apart by continents, and that Mills and Boons are at the end of the day, fiction. Even the sex.

All of which leads you into New Years eve, where you realise that Andy Borowitz came up with the most succinct observation you have ever heard which is, "The decade started with Y2K and ended with a WTF".

Truer words have never been said. If ever there was a poisoned chalice, this is it.

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The Song of the Decade

Posted by Khamba in December 27, 2009



There is perhaps no better example of the deteriorating clusterf*** Punjabi music has become. You don't need to listen beyond the first minute or so.

If i were Renee Zelwegger in Jerry Maguire, i'd say "You had me at tu meri woofer, mein tera amplifier"

On a side note - why does every Punjabi song i've heard recently feature the words "bhijji kurti" in relation to the girl? You can drive a freaking Lambo and you cant afford powder? Just buy a damned deodorant at the next gas station.

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N.D Tiwari - My (alleged) new hero

Posted by Khamba in December 26, 2009

It's stories like these that send a warm fuzzy current down my spine. While K Chandrashekhar Rao holds a fast unto death for 11 days to propogate the creation of Telengana by carving Andhra Pradesh into two (Everything else looked emaciated except his nose. It looked like J.Lo’s ass – seriously. On a side note, why do people keep a “fast” when it’s the slowest way to die?) its governor N.D. Tiwari has become the victim of a controversy of another kind.

A sexcapade, allegedly featuring the 85 year old governor with 3 women (one of whom is allegedly 7 months pregnant while the other is 18. Seriously. I couldnt make this up even if i tried. Move over Berlusconi) has been leaked to some Telegu news channels and since then been taken off air after the courts intervened. All I want to say is this – N.D. Tiwari, if it was indeed him in the sextapes that put Paris Hilton to shame – is my new hero. How fit do you have to be to do 3 women at the same time when youre 85 years old? What does the guy eat? Did Jackie Shroff slip a Museli Plus Extra into his drink? Did Yuvraj Singh offer him a “Revital Extra – Jiyo Jee Bhar Ke?” Also – it’s the first time ive known someone to have a fetish for pregnant women outside of Alan from Two and a Half Men (one of the better sitcoms on TV)

All said and done however – Tiwari must be pretty stressed with the law and order situation in Andhra Pradesh going to the dogs. Its not easy to govern a state when you have all sorts of groups rioting and torching stuff all over the state. So give the guy a break – he needs a release in life. Also – move over Arnold from Kali-fornia, the REAL governator is in da house!

Reacting to the leaked footage, the Andhra Raj Bhavan released a statement saying “It Wasn’t Me”. (Cue Shaggy in the background) Expect strong denials all around and easy overshadowing thanks to the continuing crisis over Telengana while the Bhavan gives Silk Smitha and Nylon Nalini a run for its money.

Chandrababu Naidu has already demanded a resignation – possible because even after creating the lovely city of Cyberabad he didnt even get enough cyber action as our governor allegedly got on a day to day basis.

Congress Ka Haath – Ladkiyon ke Saath.

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Falalala la la la la...

Posted by Khamba in December 25, 2009

So Christmas is upon us. I don't have ANY recollection of what i was doing this time last year. The year before that was spent freezing to death in a lone house outside of Warsaw waiting for board my flight back home. The year before that, i remember being in Delhi but not much else. Needless to say, its a festival holiday for the sake of being a holiday. So this year despite not being in the best shape - i decided to Christmas-tise my day. Couple of random observations from the past few days leading up to Christmas.

1) The Christmas tree at Select Citywalk was MASSIVE. I have never seen so many purple balls together at the same time, and i doubt i ever will. The nativity scene around the tree, made largely of thermocol left a lot to be desired.

2) The guy dressed as Santa Claus near Khan Market was reportedly shoo-ing all the beggar kids away. A friend who is a fair lip-reader also heard the choicest abuses being hurled by Santa. Only in India i say.

3) Christmas also means my email inbox sees a random surge of people forwarding "Santa-Banta" jokes. I know im a surd and Santa is spelled the same way - and no its not original. Also not funny. Assholes.

4) Nothing livens up the Christmas spirit more than buying a 100 buck Plum Cake from a Baniya who couldnt care less. The Plum Cake tastes exactly like the Britannia Fruit Cake. FML.

5) Punjabi's come close to the Baniyas when it comes to ruining Christmas. I heard an aunty looking at a display with stockings and a faux fire plance and remark "Yeh Slacks kyun taangi hui hain?". (They're stockings. STOCKINGS.)

6) The same aunty had made her baby wear a Santa hat. Not only was the kid 2 stages of evolution behind normal babies, the hat had a big white ball sown on the other side which kept making his head bob in all sorts of directions. I swear if i had a wooden stick in my hand it would have been like playing that "Whack a Hamster" video game.

7) Indians dont have to waste 789 grams of cotton while decorating their pseudo stick Christmas trees. The Chinese have started producing them with white hues already. Joy.

8) I wonder how Santa would manage to come down all these funky electric chimney's people keep installing. Wouldnt his ass get totally burnt?

9) I dont know about you all - but Merry X'Mas sounds really cheap and porno-rific. Also very lazy. Why not go the whole hog and spell it Christmas.

10) Bill Maher - one of my favourite comedians is at it again on Twitter. Rehashing his script from the movie Religulous, he is reminding everyone how gods like Krishna, Mithra etc had similar stories to that of Jesus much before his era. Yet no one really celebrates with such pomp and vigour. I agree with everything - but today i wish Bill would just enjoy the holiday. Even if he is a non-believing Jew.

11) Finally on a personal front, I'm smitten again. The women unfortunately will be out of the country for a long time and i couldnt even wish her a Merry Christmas. Just my luck. Though great gift to get after a 2 year drought. The fact that shes far away also means i have no expenditure. Seriously, what more could one ask for? (A Nintendo Wii maybe?)

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RBI scraps Re.1 coin in favour of Cadbury Eclairs

Posted by Khamba in December 1, 2009

NEW DELHI: The Reserve Bank of India recently announced scrapping the production of the 1 Re. coin and replacing it with Cadbury’s Éclair instead. Speaking a day after announcing the GDP figures of the 2nd quarter of 2009 Governor D Subbarao stated that he had been mulling this change since quite a few years; however the global recession had provided the perfect time to initiate this change.

Talking to reporters Subbarao said “Ever since I can remember – people have stopped using the Re.1 coin and small businesses across the country have been giving people toffees instead of actual change. We had to wake up to the reality that no one cares about the 1 Re. coin anymore - not small business not coin collectors – not even beggars!”. When was the last time a beggar actually accepted a 1 Re. coin? Atleast with toffes underprivelaged people can provide their children some form of nutrition.”

Since the announcement – Cadbury’s global stock prices have jumped dramatically – leaving companies like Kraft which had launched a hostile bid attempt reeling for cover. Cadbury CEO Bharat Puri welcomed the announcement. “We at Cadbury are very excited to have the Éclair as the official replacement for the 1 Re. coin. We believe it is an act of common sense given that the production cost of the Éclair is much lower than the actual Re. coin. Besides it is lighter on the pocket and has nutritional value unlike a regular coin which unfortunately got swallowed by a lot of children.”

Some however were not so pleased. Amol Sharma of the ISB (Indian School of Beggars) expressed his disappointment at the change. “Our entire curriculum since the past few decades has evolved around our students asking for spare change. Now with this action – all that we will have is bad teeth. Sure a lot of your students – especially those who graduated top of our class had stopped taking 1 Re. coins given their stature – but for the average and below average students the Re.1 coin was a way of life. A lot of coins added up to make a big fortune – which alas has been taken away from us.”

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