Kids birthday parties - a critique

Posted by Khamba in October 31, 2009


So being at someone's first birthday is fun. Especially if its a girl whose parents have made her wear a tiara which actually looks damn cute but is something she will regret the day she turns 16 and looks at pictures. I guess i know the feeling like a lot of other people. Some of the clothes my parents chose for me while i was growing up permanently damaged any chance of me having a social life back then. Ofcourse none of us is wordly-wise at that time. We are just told girls are yucky and holding hands with boys isnt a bad thing. Funny how that turned out.

So anyway - coming back to tonight's birthday party. It was a relatively modest affair which is how i like it - but like most kids parties it had way too many kids. My heart bleeds for kids who are deprived and god knows ive done too much cause-related marketing bombing destitute kids photographs to an Enya soundtrack infront of donors and young people hoping they'd write me a guilt-ridden cheque. But happy kids that keep running around parties and undergo what

i like to call in economics terminology "the 3C's curve" - i hate with an unrivalled passion. Im too lazy to draw the curve right now but i'll explain it in brief. In short it's a reverse U shaped curve on an X and Y axis with X donating stamina and Y donating duration. Basically stamina starts increasing when they drink coke...peaks when they eat cake and falls till the end of the party; thus the third C = Crash.

However what is most interesting even now about these parties is how the dynamics and heirarchy of kids parties has remained the same. For example even at today's party all the kids with the weird flashy dresses seemed to have found each other - while the nerdy shy kid kept looking at them from behind a potted plant - watching the lovely balloons float and caress the fungus infested garden till they eventually got stepped on by the over-excitable fat kid.

Personally i dont remember what kind of kid i was at birthday parties but i could imagine what the nerdy kid must be thinking standing alone in the corner.

"Imbeciles!" or perhaps if he was more of a wuss "I wonder if i should try and talk to them. Umm...should i? should i not? where are my parents? is that dirt edible?"

The second thing about kids parties. Kids which have shoes with blinking lights are actually not the coolest ones. They just want more attention and are insecure. I dont know why parents dont see it as a cry for help. For f***s sake - the kid has flashlights in his SHOES! Leave the Chicken Tikka alone and hear what he has to say!

Fat kids are not cute. They are just fat. If its a fat girl and she continues to be fat - she will grow up with low self esteem and die young. How is that cute? When you see a fat chicken in the farm do you turn around and say its a fat chicken? No - you say that fried chicken's going to be bloody juicy! I dont know why people cant see the logic here.

Child labour is inherently in-built into the Indian system. Kids birthday parties are a perfect demonstration. Under the guise of discipline kids are meant to do ridiculous work all through the evening. "Beta waiter ko bolo pepsi le aaye". "Beta daddy ke liye chicken lao" etc. Just plain disgusting.

Cakes still come in two flavours. The first is chocolate. The second is "this sucks!". If its not chocolate - even the fat kids prefer dirt. Atleast dirt's brown. Older punjabi women still think chocolate cake comes in only one form and hate its very mention - Black Forest. I tell you - you cant catch a break in this world as long youre a "black" anything! Even the damn cake is discriminated against.

The party can be as awesome as you want it. You can invite magicians. You can have 4 different types of cuisine. You can have milk shakes and cookies. Hell - you can even get kids to sleep in the same bed as Michael Jackson. But if you forget to buy "Return gifts" - you'd rather invest all your money in white people's farms in Zimbabwe.

The extent of a kid's personal liberty is determined by the number of glasses of Coke s/he is allowed to drink by the parents.

Gifts at kids birthday parties have the worst "space consumed" / "actual financial value" ratio. Most gifts are crappy Chinese toys and come in big insane boxes which are a pain to carry and store. For some reason kids are made to carry the gift and hand it over to the kid whose birthday it is. Clever way for parents to disguise its uselessness under the guise of cuteness.

I would have observed more but i was hungry and i needed to eat. But id like to end saying Kids still suck. Parents suck even more.

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BJP accuses UPA of using state agencies to eliminate opponents

Posted by Khamba in October 30, 2009



BJP’s charioteer in chief LK Advani has come out strongly against the UPA government and alleged unauthorised and “illegal” use of state agencies in a bid to sideline any form of political opposition. This after the Chief Minister of Gujarat and BJP’s only hope – Narendra Modi tested positive for Swine Flu.

Speaking at his weekly press conference from the BJP headquarters – which till recently bore a deserted look thanks to consistent drubbing in the elections – Advani accused the UPA for authorising RAW agents to infect the BJP leadership with the H1N1 (Swine Flu) virus. He also urged BJP cadres to maintain calm and not go on a congressman beating frenzy especially – especially in Gujarat which has already seen a nonsensical spike in violence thanks to garba celebrations in the last 3 weeks. “There has already been way too much misuse of dandiya’s this season and it must be controlled” he said.

Advani launched a direct attack on the UPA saying “We know that Rahul Gandhi considers himself a man of the world and spends a lot of time watching National Geographic and Fox History and Entertainment. We have no doubt that he was inpired after watching shows where the CIA could overthrow any political opponent by way of coups etc. But because we are a democracy – and to make his path to the Prime Ministership in the next election easy – he authorised RAW to infect our top leadership with the virus.”

Medical experts hired by the BJP were also of the same opinion. “We are sure this is a UPA led conspiracy. Mr Modi cant get visas to travel to any country which has been infected and he doesn’t meen any businessman till they invest a minimum of 1000 crores in his state. So there is no way that he could have got it from anywhere else as no famous Patel or Shah has been infected with the virus in the state.”

On being asked if perhaps it could be an Islamist conspiracy from across the border – Advani said “I have no intention of blaming our friends in Pakistan. You already know my views about how great Jinnah was”

Congress spokesperson Manish Tiwari rubbished the BJPs claims and said “Perhaps they should get all the letters they received from Jaswant Singh or Arun Shourie tested for traces of the virus.”

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Man consumes hand sanitizer to cure self of Swine flu;dies

Posted by Khamba in October 29, 2009


NEW DELHI: In what has been described as an extreme case of media driven hysteria; a 23 year old youth named Arun Kumar (name changed) gulped down a bottle of Himalaya’s hand sanitizer in a bid to cure himself of suspected H1N1. Kumar who had been suffering from an acute case of cough and cold decided to take the drastic step after convincing himself that he had contracted the H1N1 virus given that he had all the symptoms listed out by every TV channel.

According to Kumar’s friends Arun had contracted severe cough and cold and also suffered from fever and headaches. Kumar tried having Crocin for 2 days but as his symptoms didn’t improve dramatically he was convinced that he had swine flu. Kumar – who even tried to goto a government hospital to get himself checked was told that the results would only come after one week – which depressed him even further as all media channels were reporting that people at risk normally died within a week to 10 days.

Kumar – who worked as an assistant in a cyber café also could not afford to get himself tested at a private facility and thus out of sheer panic decided to drink the hand sanitizer thinking that it could kill the virus inside his lungs just as it did on the hands. Unfortunately the high ethanol content of the hand sanitizer reacted in his body causing acute diarrhea. By the time he reached the hospital his body had lost massive amounts of vital fluids.

The only thing doctors could do was comment that his liver was impeccably clean.

An inconsolable Shanta Bai – Kumar’s old and distraught mother said “All these news channels were telling us to use sanitizer. If these sanitizers can kill the swine flu virus on the hand why cant it kill the virus inside the lungs? It’s the only medicine we could afford since the rest of the money we had saved was recently invested in his sisters wedding. It’s all the medias and the governments fault.”

Shanta Bai also said that she will be suing the Himalaya company for selling the product as 100% herbal even though it had lethal properties and did not clearly mark that it was not to be ingested.

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Govt. launches special scheme for toilet graffiti artists

Posted by Khamba in October 27, 2009


Inspired by the varied variety of drawings of the male and female anatomy found across bathroom doors of government establishments; Minister of Culture Ambika Soni announced a scholarship programme to bring all these hidden artists together and provide them a platform to display their finest works.

The idea of the programme came to Ministry officials after noticing exquisitely drawn free flowing diagrams of the human anatomy in every bathroom of government run hotels/auditoriums and even secretariant buildings etc.

Announcing the scheme the minister said “It is indeed amazing that no previous government had launched a programme to bring out India’s hidden artistic talent. It was literally sitting right under our noses! These drawings not only show the impressive training and technique that has gone into creating the masterpieces but also the entrepreneurial spirit of Indians in general with many including LIC agents leaving their phone numbers and business details behind.”

On being asked how these artists will be tracked down the minister said “That is the easiest part. Most people left their phone numbers next to their drawings of their girlfriend’s anatomy. For the other hidden talent we will advertise in the major newspapers of the city and ask these artists to come forward. We will then ask them to furnish the details of their drawing and ask them to give a demonstration – which will be then checked by forensic experts especially flown in from the show CSI:Miami in the United States”.

Faking News also contacted famous nude painter M.F. Hussain to ask what he thought of the entire exercise. Hussain expressed his wholehearted support to the endeavour. “I am absolutely thrilled that the government is creating such a platform for artists. The thing that excites me the most is that not only will famous artists be discovered but also poets. You will find many creative works of poetry that rival even greats like Ghalib. The best poetry and art comes out when one has a sad social life. And given the sexual frustration and sad social lives of these people; it is inevitable that their art will take over the world.”

Others however were not so amused. Ramesh Sharma an art critic who also owns many galleries across New Delhi said “I don’t think we should showcase such art to the world. It might seem like we are unleashing our sexual bravado to the world but it also has many other repercussions. For one people don’t realise that it will only reinforce the stereotype that Indian men have small packages. How many self portraits have you seen which can compete with the African American community? Perhaps the French might appreciate the hair follicles!”

Note: An edited version of this article can also be seen on www.fakingnews.com alongwith some of my other posts

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Assn. of Random White Women in Bollywood on strike

Posted by Khamba in October 26, 2009


The Association of Random White Women in Bollywood have recently gone on strike and filed suit in the Bombay High Court against Yashraj Films – a major Bollywood production company with charges of racial discrimination. According to Cheryl Greene spokesperson of the Association of Random White Women in Bollywood - Yash Raj Films started a practice of reverse discrimination by hiring only black and coloured women for its major song and dance sequences ever since the white women started unionising and demanding better working conditions for showing their naked bodies on screen.

“This entire process started with the movie Tashan. Some of our members decided to not dance in the background of the song White White face as they had apprehensions about the message it would send to lecherous Indians who already make their life miserable. Yash Raj then played the diversity card and started hiring black and other Indian women for much lesser prices.”

A copy of the lawsuit which we acquired through our sources in the High Court also revealed that the Association was against Yash Raj Films setting all their plots in the United States instead of India. Rhonda Williams a member of the Association who has shown her cleavage in many Bollywood movies said “How can Yash Raj Films be so insensitive? By not giving us work and shooting abroad they are kicking us where it hurts the most – and that is our stomachs. If we don’t find work we cannot earn enough to feed ourselves. Nowadays even if the studio hires white women they prefer to take strangers they meet at clubs who they pay Rs.500 for the day with a pickup and drop facility. What about us industry veterens? Don’t we have any rights?”

A senior production assistant in Yash Raj Studio – speaking on the condition of anonymity rubbished the allegations. “It is true that the association has moved the High Court but allegations of us hiring more black women is baseless. True we have had some movies like New York where we had to employ locals. Also some movies like Dil Bole Hadippa had no scope for white women as they would have overshadowed Rani Mukherjee. But look at how much work we gave them in a single movie like Chak De India?”

Other insiders also say that the White Women’s association has nothing to worry about.

A camera assistant on the movie Tashan – also speaking on the condition of anonymity said this. “There is nothing to worry about as far as these white women are concerned. Everyone knows Indians love white flesh. Why do you think chicken sells more than goat? And besides – we only hired black women in Tashan so that they could contrast Kareena’s size 0 figure. We had to use those models like a black side-screen in a day and night cricket match played with a white leather ball. That’s all.

The protest by the association has also stalled work in other production houses who are now scrambling to find other white women across the beaches of Goa to meet the shortfall. The first hearing shall commence next week as the case would be overseen by a fast-track court given its national importance

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A day in the life of cheating death

Posted by Khamba


I’ve often been asked by foreign nationals about the insensitivity of Indians towards death. I can give tonnes of examples of when and where I've encountered these situations but ill stick to just one. For example I remember waking up in Warsaw one day with the newspaper talking about a bus full of 17 people that fell into a gorge on its way to some other European destination. Given that the number was “just” 17 – I made a quick “meh” sound and kept the paper back on the table – only to discover it was the only thing being discussed across other local websites and radio stations. Even my teammates seemed flabbergasted and spoke about how heart wrenching it was. My only reaction was – “Cmon guys its just 17 people” much to the shock and horror of everyone around me. Another “meh” and back to work I went.

Now maybe im a misanthrope in general - but I think like most other Indians I’m just incredibly deadened and numbed by the sheer volume of people popping off in all directions. I don’t think itll be a stretch to say that even our media seems like its bored or swatting flies unless some bomb blast or Maoist attack takes place. Newsrooms seem to be in utter chaos. Theres only so much you can talk about cricket and Bollywood no?
Now to explain to my audience why Indians are so unharmed by death – I have put together a list of events whereby Indians cheat death everyday. Through this list you will also realise the following:

- India provides some of the most creative ways of dying to humans ever imagined

- The real reason Europeans and the like live longer but incredibly boring lives without being able to boast much about having cheated death

- That if it were not for this man-made creative mortality programme India’s population would have easily touched 2 billion by now instead of being in its current state of equilibrium.

So lets start. We are going to assume that you wake up on the day of Diwali – the festival of lights and joy.

You wake up in the morning – brush you teeth and allow your servant to enter the house to make you tea. (The servant kills you – or you survive and move on)

You then see that youre out of vegetables. You call your trusted vegetable vendor up into your house. (The vegetable vendor can kill you – or you survive and move on)

Then you decide to deliver some gifts to your friends. You get into your car and drive towards your friends place. (Here you can be crushed to death by another speeding car or truck or you move on)

You manage to avoid an accident but your car still scrapes the bumper of another car. (Here you can get shot in a case of road rage or you survive and move on)

After pacifying the annoyed Jat who was driving the other car you continue on your journey. (Here you can be killed by a falling pillar or pre-fabricated Metro Rail bridge or you survive and move on)

You then finally reach your friends house who has just returned from the United States. (Here you can contract Swine Flu and then eventually die or you survive and move on)

You have a good time chatting with your friend and you deliver your gifts. Unfortunately the road in front of your friends house is being constructed and has some stagnant water in it. (Here you can contract Dengue fever and die or you survive and move on)

Then you decide to leave your friends house. (Here you can fall into an open manhole and die or you survive and move on)

On the street outside your friends house you encounter some stray dogs (They can bite you and give you rabies which can kill you or you survive and move on)

There you also see some children bursting crackers thanks to Diwali fever (Here a cracker can blow up really close to you and burn and kill you or you…get the picture)

You realise you also forgot to buy crackers for your own home and decide to goto a cracker shop (Here thanks to a another flying cracker or voltage issues the shop catches fire and burns down the whole market thus killing you in the process. Or you survive and move on)

You have to deliver another gift to a friend in Faridabad but don’t want to drive all the way. You then decide to take a local train to Faridabad (Here the train can derail and kill you or you survive and move on)

The train stops at a station prior to Faridabad (Here while your train is stationary – another train can ram into the back of your train after not following the signals thus killing you. Or you survive you move on)

On reaching Faridabad you decide to have lunch with your friend in a famous hotel. (Here a terrorist attack can happen on the hotel thus killing you. Or you survive and move on)

You take the train back to the nearest station and get into a cab to take you back home. (Here a random bomb blast can kill you. Or you survive and move on)

You reach back home and notice someone has sent you a box of Mithai. You quickly gorge on the Mithai. (Here the Mithai can be fake and can give you violent gastritis and kill you. Or you survive…)

You wonder where your wife is on this festive occasion and call out to her. Someone knocks on the door and you realise its your in-laws who were never in favour of your wedding. (Here they can kill you as part of an honour killing or you survive and move on)

You manage to keep your conversation with the in-laws civil and they leave after exchanging pleasantries. You have some chai with the wife and decide to watch some TV. (Here you realise that your favourite chief minister has died in a chopper crash and die out of shock. Or you survive and move on)

You regret that your day has been ruined by the passing of such a great politician. However you quickly forget it as everyone has started bursting crackers. (Here you can die of poisoning by Sulphur gas or you survive and move on)

You then decide to have dinner and spend your night at a club. You reach the club with the wife and friends. (Here a crazy person with a gun can start a fight after getting drunk and you can get caught in the crossfire. Or you survive and move on)

You then decide to go back home from the club. Little do you know the Maoists have decide to strike the heart of the city to register protest against government policies. (Here you can die in the attack or survive and move on)

Eventually you have kids where the boy gets ragged to death by his classmates and the girl gets molested and commits suicide out of shock.

If nothing else - someone somewhere will get Tuberculosis and the medicines they take will turn out to be counterfeit. Again. Someone will die.

So as it turns out - it is virtually impossible to get out of the house in Delhi incase you want to live a supposedly healthy and long life. There are so many issues to deal with that if we start getting paranoid about it then everything would come to a standstill. So even though on the outside i'm incredibly paranoid - the brain just goes "meh" as always. Plus - i don't think i had the heart to care about those 17 (peace be with those families) when we've already stopped reporting about the average of 7 that fall of Mumbai locals everyday.

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Take your positivity and leave us pessimists alone

Posted by Khamba in October 16, 2009



I love Barbara Ehrenreich. Ive been saying this to people forever now and people havent been taking it seriously – but im hoping finally with her book coming out they might give this opinion a bit more thought even if they want to continue to dismiss it outright. That opinion is simple:
“What’s there to be so happy about?”

Through this post I want to touch upon a couple of subjects which Ms. Ehrenreich also touches upon in the book (I havent ordered my copy yet but from the interview you get the gist)

- Positive Thinking: The first time I went for a conference in Poland we were introduced to the chair who was an Ex-AIESEC USA President whose name I wont mention. He was a really cool guy and sort of like an expert on “positive psychology”. Every morning and before and after every session he would share stories and just keep telling people to be positive. The dude was ALWAYS smiling…ALWAYS. It was like forcing a diabetic to bite into a custard and jelly doughnut and then washing it down with a 2 litre Coke from the neighbouring 7/11. He’d goto every delegate and make them smile – keep harping on about how important it was to be positive and how being positive would change your life. Me being grumpy in general got instantly put off by what seemed to me was public pretence – or if infact he was really like that – he probably was delusional and heard voices in his head. (He also seemed Republican but never mind. Maybe Jesus helped him). I mean seriously – there were people going to sleep hungry at that conference because of lack of food and then you have a dude coming and telling you in your face that you gotta smile through it. Really? You know how much I paid to come here and youre not even going to give me food? Why don’t you take your positivity and buy me a pepperoni pizza from the neighbourhood Dominion. Really? You cant cash your positivity for that? Then get the hell outta my face!

- The Secret: Im sick of seeing this book everywhere. I spend a lot of time reading and this the one book every bookstore guy has shoved in my face (except my usual store who knows ill never buy something like that) Everyone who has read it seems to have turned into some pop philosopher and thinks they can attract all the wealth and success they want. If ever there was someone who should have been fatwa'd for the sheer mental damage caused to people Ms. Byrne would be exhibit A. Seriously. I mean books like The Secret will always sell because theres no dearth of unsucessful people who want to make it and successful people who want to become even better. Im pretty sure ive seen more people read this book than the Gita or the Koran. Its also probably been translated into more languages. Ill admit I tried reading a self help book once and it just pissed me off even more. It’s the sort of shit even I can write simply because its so easy to fake. Im pretty sure some gullible idiot would also end up buying it. But cmon get real! You have more chance of winning against the house at a Vegas casino than miraculously converting into baby Jesus and attracting everything with the power of your thoughts and staying positive.

- People and positivity: Now I know im grumpy. Off late ive been more than usual and it shows in my jokes. Historically some of the best comedians have been the angriest which is why I love Lewis Black (google him) and Larry David etc. I agree im not an optimist and in my first few meetings with people they can classify me as either a realist or a pessimist (ironically that would be based on how optimistic they are) but im sick and tired of people and their positivity all the time. People like calling themselves as “positive people”. Ive had friends who like to call themselves that and they just cant handle someone being negative around them. Ive argued with people ive been very close to about just this. When did our culture become so intolerant towards other people’s negativity or realism. If a million people die of hunger or theres a bomb blast / if someone is really sick with cancer or if someone has undergone some forms of trauma…how do you expect them to just stay positive? We are just so used to putting our smiling photographs on facebook and competing with other people on how exciting our lives our that anything negative automatically gets pushed aside. Seriously man I don’t want to know if you just went to a conference or visited 10 cities in the last 4 months (common annoyance with my friends) or that you are feeling awesome after drinking a steaming cup of chai on the Venetian sidewalk. And even if I did when did talking about these things become more important than talking about real issues with people and the world just because theyre harder to listen to? I mean theres no difference between humans and horses with blinkers who can only look in one direction. And all these motivational speakers and positive energy experts are only creating false notions of who and what we should be.

- Dealing with disease: Now this is more personal and perhaps the best part of the interview if you saw it. She describes her experience being very sick and of people losing their jobs and having to undergo a sense of trauma. Ive experienced this myself the last few months where everyone says – you’ve gotta be positive. Why? Why does anyone have to be positive? Research has shown the mood has got nothing to do with it. How do you expect someone not only to live and cope with disease but at the same time live up to your expectation of staying positive and happy and that it’s a gift. Really? Why is it a gift? Why would me having to give up the scholarship of a lifetime be a gift for example? It was probably a gift for the other person who got it. And then people try and attribute it to faith. And then as the last step if you get too grumpy for them – you are considered too negative and thus must be kept at an arms length if not more.

Who made these rules and why has It become so taboo to be angry? Why shouldn’t one feel slighted when staying positive has no real scientific basis for improving anything except the lives of those around you who already have confined you into a certain stereotype. Whats the point then and who are we all trying to please? I think this book must be read by everyone to:

- Reduce the ever increasing market for stupid self-help books and motivational speakers
- Get people to reflect in terms of how they deal with being positive and positivity
- Get people to think about how they deal with people who are pessimists / realists / sick / angry

There are many more things I can say but this post is too long already. Now piss off.

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Slap him...he's Indian

Posted by Khamba in October 14, 2009

I was taking an auto rickshaw today to get from point A to B when in the middle of my journey the engine started sputtering. Without caring about any traffic coming from the left (you should'nt…you're only supposed to overtake from the right apparantly) the guy promptly pulled up and began to inspect the engine in the back. The next few seconds were to be one of the most insightful of my short deranged life. The auto-driver, who obviously had a lot of experience in chewing tobacco (from his teeth) and beating his wife (from the way he clenched his fists) quickly decided to execute an engineering miracle. He slapped...yes…SLAPPED the engine for what seemed like 3 minutes and 27 seconds and signalled me to get back in. Sure enough the engine roared its way back to life and left me mucho wiser.

Ladies and gentlemen, the truth about Indians is this. Whether it’s a broken radiator, an old radio catching dust in the corner of our dead grandparents bedside or even our kids, we can fix anything with a slap.

Think about it. Why is it that whenever we are faced with not being able to fix something our first instinct is to slap it really hard. Is it because everyone grew up with TV sets whose reception seemed to miraculously improve on being given a smack? Is it because we saw that was the only way to keep S. Sreesanth focussed on the cricket match without giving chimpanzees a bad name? Is because Indians have grown up listening to the classical slapping sound of Zakir Hussain’s Tabla? Is it because that was the climax of most of our TV shows and the credits started to roll? Maybe theres a bigger symbolism attached to it. For example the first instinct when a relationship goes bad is to fight it. One way to fight it metaphorically is slapping.

Or is it because we are attention seekers dying to find an audience for our existance? For example Indian men never punch each other when their cars meet with an accident on the road. 9 times out of 10 we act like were going to land a punch but let loose a tight girly slap. Or shoot them. It’s simple. Slaps and bullets make more noise thus attracting a bigger crowd. Hell, even Bheema used to slap people around and shove their faces into the ground instead of properly punching them in Mahabharata. Maybe its because a slap is also more humiliating.

Growing up in school our teachers always used to slap us and never really punched us? Not even the hardcore sports types. Taking a punch is manly, but getting slapped degraded your reputation 10 times over. Is it that we are all slapping each other to avenge our humiliation from childhood? Im pretty sure a tight slap would bring back more memories in grown men about how it was to feel completely naked with 50 other kids staring at you. Maybe that’s why we keep slapping our cars, our gadgets and everything in between, to humiliate it back to life.

I mean I don’t remember getting beat up as a child, but the kids around me who got slapped by their parents growing up ala Russell Peter’s theory, also seem to be doing a whole lot better. Maybe theyre afraid their failure would invoke the slap happy wrath of their mothers.

Culturally and in our vocabulary as well slapping has a much more revered place as compared to other forms of violence. People are more likely to say “Kaan ke neeche rakh ke doonga” (Ill give you one tight slap below the ear” as compared to “Ghusand padega to battisii bahaar aa jaayega” (Ill knock your teeth One of the most popular trancey dance number in India has also been “Smack my bitch up” not just because it allowed men to vent their anger and frustration at the opposite sex but also because it allowed them to do it through women’s own weapon – the slap/smack. Maybe that’s why Channel V also named a TV show in honour of the slap.

But seriously the Indian slap deserves some credit. I don’t know if half our lives would be possible without it being employed everyday in almost 2/3rds of our daily activity. Its just another thing we’ve started taking for granted. Just don’t talk about it to the 2-300 million women being abused by their husbands everyday.

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Sorry American Samoa - i can't feel sad for you

Posted by Khamba in October 1, 2009

So I got my way to Delhi and turned a TV on to find that the world had been struck with a series of disasters. There was an earthquake off the coast of American Samoa (if you don't know where that is on a map I don't blame you – the last famous person who you know with Samoan heritage especially if you're not a rugby fan is Dwayne Johnson (The Rock from the World Wrestling Federation – that’s right- that’s the guys actual name. Kinda like finding out your favourite Hindi Comic character Mahabali Shaka’s real name is Ramesh Sharma.) Anyway so that earthquake ended up causing a tsunami which caused much devastation across the island. At one point the ticker on CNN said the tsunami was 28 cm high – which made me burst out laughing at the doctor’s “office” given that’s lower than the height of a wave created by someone when they fart in a bathtub. But still – much destruction and devastation.

Moving onto Phillipines – which also saw flooding as high as New Orleans during Katrina thanks to typhoon Ketsana. At this point I was thinking the following. Can you imagine the poor chap who must have spent days and nights on overcrowded boats fleeing from island to island / low economic opportunity and maybe even random run in’s with the Abu Sayyeff only to get to Manila and finally get his hands on a hot bowl of gunky watery stew with dead fish in it – only to have that very bowl flooded with gunky water and random people’s floating packages and TB infected snot? (Or is that the recipe to every south east asian stew ever created?)

If that wasn’t enough – the same typhoon went on to strike Vietnam causing irreparable damage to cities and wiping out villages. (You know the stock footage of little oriental featured kids swimming in natural looking water bodies telling everyone what a fun time they're having and how we should go there to part with our money? Just imagine the same scene except with some special effects thrown in from the Hollywood movie “A Perfect Storm”. Those kids don’t look as cute hurtling down at 100 km/h with their mouths wide open and slamming their face into a building do they? Seriously – when will Vietnam ever get a break? And on a side note – if I want to go and swim in a natural looking water body I can easily goto Punjab and learn how to swim by catching a buffalo tail)

And finally theres Indonesia – which also saw a major earthquake leading to much flooding and devastation. But since it isn’t an obvious targeting of white people ala Bali – no one will care how many people actually died as long as they're from the minority – which in this case would be the majority. (Im sure you can figure that out – I just want to avoid the term and have google archive it)

So I asked myself. Should I care about the day of the mega disasters? I mean im sure I should – and once I get over the fact that my chest X rays still look like the image on a box of Classic Milds cigarettes with not much scope of improvement - im sure I will. But theres one thing I really really have to say. It really is the nature of thebeast. I mean think about it – if you live on one of the islands and have ever rubbed that fact in someone else’s face – then seriously – don’t crib when a tsunami comes knocking. I mean it cant be Margerita’s and tiki hats forever.

Now for example - suppose you live in Hawaii. Maybe you were born there in which case i might excuse you. But suppose you go live and study there for whatever reason - chances are 11 months out of 12 youve been harping over the lovely sunshine/the hot women/the lovely sunsets and time spent drinking margaritas ala Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Now if you do that - you can rest assured some equalising force is going to rip your dream in shreds and turn it into Delhi preparing for the Commonwealth Games. Now fortunately or unfortunately if you form part of some coastal community like Bangladesh and Sri Lanka - i might still excuse you on the premise that no one cares about you except some politicians in Assam or Sri Lanka who will keep a fast of not eating rice or Momos the day of the disaster. But frankly - thats about it. If you want to live in Ecuador - you cant expect people around you to talk in Malayalam. For that - goto Mauritius - already destined to drown in another couple of years and not just because of how much the pot bellied sambhar eaters weigh.

The same logic also applies to people who buy penthouses in Gurgaon. I mean if you are willing to talk about how its so peaceful and the view is so spectacular - dont cry later when you know that no Indian fire truck can go beyond 13 floors. So seriously if you want to live closer to heaven dont complain if god asks you to check in faster than the guy you just saw running out of his apartment on the first floor.

This is also the reason you should never be conned into buying some swanky beachfront property or a secluded love mansion in California or parts of Australia. Because you know as much as i do that theres going to be more fires there next year - so why you want to pay a premium for turning into sea food or seekh kebab is beyond me.

Which brings me to my final point. Why are people so shocked and aghast at the seeming increase in weather related catastrophes. We have a right to be angry sure - especially if youre not a Republican and from a low carbon emitting country which gets caught in the crossfire of the massive deluge that the US and the EU and Chindia (I hate that word - but i wanted to make a point that the Hindi slang for miser is "Chindi"...talk about irony) Or generally if you are a believer in the concept of global warming (i am) and are trying to do something about it (i dont - except i used to turn my playstation off when i wasn't using it - though now im sort of living off the land so im very eco-friendly). I mean everyone knows things are only going to get worse. And personally i have very little faith in what will be achieved at the Summit in Copenhagen and other such climate change summits. (How about starting with not blowing so much jet fuel to get to bloody Denmark. Why cant you video-conference. As it is out of the G20 only 6 countries are going to talk while the rest are made to take notes).

So given that we already know that more incidents are going to take place which are largely a consequence of our own stupidity and doing to the earth what we shouldn't have been doing - we should start focussing on how to save the best of our species and eliminating those who are worthless. Countries who have the ability to save all their people can continue to do so - for example the Dutch dykes are still saving their ass - maybe lets put all the people we dont care about (Bangladeshis etc) on boats and send them off to fabulous vacations in islands that border Samoa and then just wait for the earthquakes to do their business. Or maybe we can save the doctors and scientists and some labour to do the dirty work. Lets save the smart Samoans and Filipinos and Vietnamese and Indonesians and let it be survival of the fittest all over again. And seriously lets not be shocked the next time Hurricane Gabbar (ethnicised for my 2 local readers) hits the coast of Orissa or Bihar gets flooded. You might not say it out loud - but you sure as hell don't give it shit as long as it isn't Delhi Bombay or Bangalore. (Sorry Calcutta)

Humans have unleashed a catastrophe onto the earth and more such disasters shall continue to happen. Let the politicians try and do what they can and continue to support long term efforts to save the earth. But lets also use this chance to get rid of the human rubbish that is overpopulating the earth. Given my current unemployed status and general lack of contribution - i wouldn't miss me much either - but then again i choose to live wisely in a potential disaster zone. We'll do so much more better if 2/3rds of humanity suddenly crowds heaven and hell. And lets not bother about the islands anymore - they were meant to drown eventually. Might as well take the cool Mauritians and displace them somewhere else. And for gods sake - lets not act surprised the next time it happens. Im thinking atleast a couple more will take place before the end of the year.

P.S. Now that ive finished this i just noticed on TV that a boat carrying 80 tourists overturned in Kerela. People are expressing shock and dismay. I mean for gods sake - 80 people on a bloody dingy! What the heck did you expect?! You deserve to drown because of your own stupidity!

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