And they buried him…
Buried him along with his sins…
Buried his hopes and tainted dreams…
Buried while the world watched the earth grow cold…
Buried alive…or so it seems…
They cried in pain…they cried in jest
They cried for what they couldn’t have seen…
The distant black amidst the white…
Glowing bright as if to shine a path…
The numbness filled the space between…
Those steps I took I don’t recall...
Through guilt that tore my conscious being…
The shadows they called…the past resolved…
I lifted through my chains and walls…
Shot and hollow the body screamed…
O sunshine don’t you wake tomorrow…
Or show off life's filthy gleam…
You took them all…
You took it all…
Just tell me what it’s ought to mean…
And they buried him…
What if you are an average middle class youth who has sold his slave soul to a corporation whose products you don’t care for and treats you like a statistic? Would it be an employee of the year bonus? Would it be bagging the new chic in tech support? Or would it be getting a Tata Nano?
The answer ofcourse is none of the above. There is no greater ambition that drives middle class youth harder to break the shackles of social hierarchy and jump step more than the dream of residing in a “Posh Colony” (No relation to Ms. Beckham – pronounced Ka:loni)
The Posh colony is a curious beast. Those who form part of it flaunt their existence within it. Every colony that isn’t one claims to be it. But at the end of the day it isn’t much different from its Spice Girl counterpart. Not bad to look at on the outside…but frankly…a tad too flat. (Think about it...were you focusing on Denise Richards or Neve Campbell in Wild Things?)
Having been Shiney’d (copyright) by the British for so long – one would think someone would step up to ban the use of the word “colony” in India. But as much as we name our streets after Gandhi and suffix our flats with “Vihar” – the truth is we secretly like our British colonial heritage. Not only did it bring forth almost all Indians of any note – it fulfilled our biggest craving i.e. to be accepted by white skin. After all – we were WORTHY of being their violated jewel in the crown. It gave us a sense of acceptance on the world stage (unlike those losers in Niger who only got weird accents and cheese from their daddys).
Given that I was born into a posh kaloni and after having observed others who are relegated to kalonies where even auto-rickshaw waalahs refuse to ply – I present to you the characteristics that make up this animal.
Posh colonies are large geographic concentration of rich people aiming to one up each other by showcasing their happy lives and events through their Flickr photo stream. This leads to many side-effects.
Members of the Posh Colony have multiple gates installed at various ends of the Kaloni. Most of these gates have been sold to companies like Voltas which welcome visitors to X Vihar/Nagar/Enclave. These gates normally are no hindrance to thieves and murderers as they are not higher than 6 feet.
Everyone in the posh colony can afford to install bore-wells in the back of their houses. This leads to the collective destruction of the water table till all it spits out are the leftover chunks of The Mummy.
Because of the self induced water-shortage – the member of the posh colony who is almost always highly educated (likely a Bengali) and atleast one nephew in the London School of Economics would write a petition to the High Court bitching about how the posh entitled kaloni has no water.
Most houses in the posh colony also have a dog. The role of the dog is mainly to give the posh son of the house (usually fat or too drunk to care while the other posh son or daughter is the apple of the eye) a job and a friend while others have abandoned him. This leads to a competition amongst members of the kaloni as to who has the most expensive breed. It also causes piles of dog shit to accumulate in front of the house of the posh senior citizens. Noticing the accumulation of dog shit – Mr. Banerjee / Mukherjee / Chatterjee / Bandopadhyay / Acharya write another petition to the High Court against Municipal Corporation workers who don’t clean regularly enough.
Members of the posh colony have multiple cars – directly proportional to the number of floors in the house. However this standard practice causes members of the kaloni to goto other kaloni’s to find a space to park their own car.
Houses in the posh colony each have their own security guard whose purpose is to only guard that very property. Any theft / burglary / murder in progress in the house next door visible to that security guard will not be a cause to censure that guard in any way shape or form.
Houses in the posh colony each have their own maids and servants who have unlimited access to that specific house. Thus the network of maids and servants is unmatched even by Google Street and Google House. This leads to collusion with the house security guard and murder / grand theft auto / burglary takes place. At this point Mr. Banerjee / Mukherjee / Chatterjee / Bandopadhyay / Acharya write another letter to the local Police SHO to improve the security of the posh residents.
Houses in the posh colony each have a medium to large industrial generator (bhai ab bina AC ke Pintu ko neend nahi aati na). During the power outage every house turns on their generator to replicate the sound of a Sepeltura concert.
Houses in a posh colony are an Election Commission Block Level Officer’s worst nightmare. Rarely does a BLO manage to breach the walls of a posh house for Voter ID verification. Posh houses write a collective petition to the Election Commission for incorrect data on their Voter registration cards after every election.
The posh colony also causes the death of atleast 1 door to door salesman everyday.
Posh colonies provide expensive housing for expats who then get consistently harassed for walking around in shorts and skirts while Indian bahu-betis prance around with unwaxed legs.
Posh colonies compete with other posh colonies only to determine which is posher. The quality of the posh colony is directly linked with the number of basements housing offices of lawyers / accountants / NGOs / doctors / educators within its parameter. A minor celebrity such as participants of reality shows like Indian Idol greatly improve their ranking and are source material for creation of landmarks.
The posh colony normally has a park within a few hundred yards where many petitions are written / kitty parties organized / teenage love consummated / cricket matches played /stray dogs procreate till someday all activities are halted because of tents that are erected to celebrate a ladies sangeet / jagraata / dusshera / durga pooja / MLA election rally / free food distribution on every festival / wedding reception / diwali mela / lohri etc
And finally - while everyone loves being a part of their posh kaloni - the houses re-unite and lobby their local area MLA to lower the govt. grade rating of the colony so that they have to pay lower house tax.
The posh colony is the beginning of the end of human civilization.
This has been been a tough decision in the making. Whether to plug this video or not.
I'm sorry - i must say that as much as i like the tune and the beat - there is something inherently funny about watching 3 surds rapping. Also i dont approve of some of the lyrics. (Im sick of songs that keep telling surdies theyre tigers..theyre the coolest...theyre ninjas and shit given the current state of the community)
And before you laugh - especially if youre an aiesecer reading this - these guys brought you Nachna Onda Nei. Don't you feel stupid now?
Mukesh Khanna has always been like the wildly popular local tikki-chaat waala in your neighbourhood. He’ll keep cracking away for years cultivating his profits and loyal following – but never ever be considered for a Michelin star. Thus in an effort to pay homage to him – and realizing he will only get a 100 word write up in the side bar of a newspaper on his death – I would like to highlight why he deserves to be India’s most popular and orgasm inducing actor.
Shaktimaan: Shaktimaan alone should be enough to make him India’s biggest superstar. But no – elitist bitches will refuse to accept him just because he is on Doordarshan and doesn’t wear shoes! Just because a superhero doesn’t wear underwear over his pants doesn’t mean he is any less! Just because he doesn’t wear shoes over his slacks doesn’t mean he cant run as fast! Just because he has brown skin doesn’t mean he cant kill white villains! Just because his outfit is maroon and gold doesn’t mean he’s gay!
Shaktimaan's seven gurus have blessed him with powers, even to rearrange the galaxies and merge the whole universe into one Galaxy. His powers have no limits. He can even separate his body into five different bodies of fire, wind, water, earth and sky. He can convert his body into light and flies with the speed of light. He can shoot laser beams with his fingers and can stretch his hand and legs. He is an expert of Judo, Karate, Martial Arts. He possesses power of telepathy,teleportation,X-ray vision,etc.
And you know which character beat the crap out of Shaktimaan in terms of outreach and popularity? That Keanu Reeves costume rip-off / gay as hell Krissh!
Moving on to the other greatest character in the history of India.
FROM MUKESH KHANNA’s SPERM!
That’s right. Mukesh Khanna was Bhishma Pitamah. The great grand daddy of the Pandavas. Do you know that if it weren’t for his seed – there would be no Mahabharata? Ok well technically – I lied. He vowed to live a life of celibacy – so the seeds were magical. He was just the Pandavas grandsire. But shit – without him there would be no great Hindu epic. No millions of Hindu kids with the names Arjun Yudhishtir and Nakul (Im yet to meet a Bheem or a Sahdev – the metrosexual Pandav).
Can any other actor or character ever do that?! Every other mythological character ever played by pseudo Ekta Kapoor models would do their own version of Draupadi’s vasrta haran at his very sight!
Bismillah Vs. Surinder Sahni
Inspector Liyaqat Khan Vs. Om Prakash Makhija
Mangal Singh Vs. Raj Malhotra
Thakur Raghuveer Singh Vs. Kabir Khan
Seriously – who do you think will get their ass handed to them? And if Shah Rukh Khan is the biggest most popular actor in the country – then Mukesh Khanna automatically becomes the same by beating his ass. BTW true story – I was at the McDonalds in Ansal Plaza in Delhi once where 2 kids about 4 feet tall were both wearing Shaktimaan costumes asking for a pipe. Not kidding…costumes! Not just a tshirt or a schoolbag – I mean head to toe. Have you ever seen any Shah Rukh “costume” being emulated by dumbass kids who twirl on their rooftops and fall to their death hoping Shaktimaan will save them?
Before I finish – I must submit the following petition to the public at large in order to truly recognize the greatness that is Mukesh Khanna.
That people de-throne Shah Rukh Khan and install Mukesh Khanna as the greatest Bollywood actor. EVER.
Some of you must be saying huh? Who’s he? Bally Sagoo? Ive never heard of him before!
Well maybe if you took your head out of your ass in the early 90s you’d recognize his face. If you don’t know him checkout his Wikipedia entry here.
Now I don’t want to talk about how his music trajectory has gone down. In his case it was also more calculated (He started focusing on launching new playas and setup his own Label etc which was fairly successful. But the last album he came out with was utterly forgettable. So drastically bad infact – that I wont even talk about it because I care about my readers enough not to inflict brain damage (over and above what you get by reading these posts).
What I will talk about however – is that after him every random dude on the planet started producing music. All you needed was to wear some bling – hire a 25 thousand buck DJ console in a shady nightclub – one token black guy to instill credibility in one’s credentials – and the local prostitute to provide the flesh with the muscled dudes from the local akhaada. And wallah! Instant dance pop song faster than you can cook your waxy maggi! Infact even our own man Mr. Bally Sagoo decide to forgo quality and started writing/producing/mixing songs which made absolutely no sense but had a beat. And like most north Indians – we danced our fat lardy aunty asses till the Chivas Regal bottles were emptied.
To emphasise that point – I will share with you the lyrics his last big HIT Bally Sagoo song. Mind you this is original and not a remix – but just that you would expect something more from the Sagoo stable. The song is Botalan Sharab Diyan (Bottles of Alcohol) and I will translate it below for the non-punjabi speaking audience.
Mukh Tere Chaudami Da Chand Jattiye (Your face is like the Chaudveen ka Moon – like a fair and lovely commercial)
Motia To Soneh Tere Dand Jattiye (Your teeth are like glowing white pearls – so im guessing shes not british)
Jidro Vi Lange Ohndiya Hanaria (Wherever you pass you create a hurricane – WTF? Why isn’t she in North India where farmers are committing suicide cuz of a potential draught?)
Bottalan Sharrab Diyan Akhan Meriya
Bottalan Sharrab Diyan Akhan Teriya (Your eyes and my eyes are like looking through bottles of alcohol)
Tikha Talwar Nalo Tera Nak Ni (Your nose is sharper than a sword – Huh? Isnt that like witches in Harry Potter movies?)
Mundri De Nalo Patala Eh Lak Ni (Your waist is as thin as the diameter of a small ring)
Oongla Lei Jive Hundia Ganeria (Your fingers are like stumps of Sugarcane – Ok first time im hearing that on a chic…but im guessing if you sing that to a guy he’ll be proud of his equipment maybe?)
Bottalan Sharrab Diyan Akhan Meriya
Bottalan Sharrab Diyan Akhan Teriya (Your eyes and my eyes are like looking through bottles of alcohol)
Thodi Utte Jachda Eh Kala Til Ni (The beauty spot on your chin looks damn sexy on you – Reference Cindy Crawford)
Nakhre Adaama Naal Lutey Dil Ni (Your nakhras and attitude steals everyones heart – its amazing how some attitude is cool…but too much attitude makes the woman a bitch)
Ashiqua De Naal Kare Herapheriya (You keep doing Hera Pheri with your admirers hearts)
Bottalan Sharrab Diyan Akhan Teriya (Your eyes and my eyes are like looking through bottles of alcohol)
Behle Behat Raab Ne Banai Lagdi (It seems god created you when he was vella – ok I guess it means he took a lot of time to make you)
Khud Hi Tu Khudah Di Khudai Lagdi (You seem to embody all of god’s creation)
Nazaraa Na Kitte Lag Jaan Meriya (I hope tumhaare pe meri nazar na lag jaaye – WTF is that? Stop looking at her if youre so bloody worried!)
Charchan Hamesha Teri Taani Vich Ni (People keep talking about you wherever you go – Well why wod they not! Think about it – shes stick thin and has a nose as sharp as a witch…a mole on her chin and fingers like sugarcane stumps – why wod they NOT talk about her?!)
Poplah Ch Kade Tu Kataani Vich Di (Ive no idea what in the bloody world this means – in no Punjabi class was I ever taught the word Poplah. It sounds Malay almost)
Kare Karnail Siftah Batheriaan (The colonel keeps praising you – again...why would he not? Stuck in Assam or Jammu and Kashmir for 6 months facing bullets – any woman would make him scream!)
Bottalan Sharrab Diyan Akhan Meriya (Your eyes and my eyes are like looking through bottles of alcohol)
As you can see – even with Bally Sagoo’s last song – he has turned into just another Punjabi music producer and I haven’t seen him come up with anything worthwhile. Thus - I hereby eulogize him while he is still alive.
C.I.P. Mr. Bally Sagoo. We thoroughly enjoyed your music in the early 90s but please refrain from giving us the same drivel now like the rest. Your last song shows we Dance to absolutely anything without realizing the ridiculous shit youre spewing – thus making us all retarted. And it would be blasphemy if you try and make money of mentally retarded people by giving them something they don’t need and pretending that they do.
(C.I.P stands for Chill in Peace)
Don’t you absolutely hate it when some of your…well ok not favourite…but some band you really like goes down the toilet? I mean there have been a lot of great one album/one song wonders which are beyond the scope of this post – but isn’t it sad that a band keeps going at it year after year – album after album – only to keep getting worse? The cause of this latest heartbreak for me is pop-act Stereo Nation.
I was only 10 when I heard their first song which was and still is my favourite song (by them) called I've Been Waiting (Video Number 1 below). I remember it being one of the first slickly shot (in Ibiza!) Punjabi-English pop video at a time when high production values were still rare. Also notice that the token white women in bikinis still seem unsure of all the jumping around as compared to the white women in Bollywood and Indian pop videos now - where they seem to have practiced to get the part and know exactly what to do. Almost mechanical. No fun whatsoever. Another really cool thing about this video is that it has to my recollection the first Jamaican guy who actually really needed to be in the video! (He was part of the band) Unlike all of today's video - where there is no need for a black guy to be there but is put there to make some weird Uhhh...Aahhh noises in the name of hip-hop - this dude not only got with the reggaeton beat but also sang his arse off.
So ladies and gentlemen – I present to you three videos. Video 1 is the original I've Been Waiting from the early 90s and has what i described above. Video two is Stereo Nation's attempt at a Indian pop album in the 21st century. And Video 3 is one of their latest "hits" in 2008. Check out Video 1 and 3 for the biggest comparisons. Especially notice how Video 1 and 3 have similar themes – that will show you how the quality of their music has reached the pits. Youll notice how in 1996 he looked like a pretty decent boy (almost looked like a young Shiney Ahuja) whereas now he looks like a monkey hopping around trying to get a banana out of someones hands.
But who am I to judge – these guys make pots of money – Bollywood hires them and people still dance to their newer songs. I shall stick to listening to their originals – Ive been waiting / Oh Carols / Mein Vuleth Kaahnu Aa Gaya and pretend they dropped off the map for ages like The Verve.
Still - what a shame.
I also get that colon cannonballs flow from the top. Having led some organizations and movements in my life – I realize that a lot of shit needs to be done and people need to follow that shit for the entire enterprise to survive. So I get that MTV India too had to change programming focus to reality TV shows and less on music videos to stay financially viable and re-attract eyeballs on direction from Viacom in the U.S. of crappy programming A. I get that Shehnaz Treasurywala had to try her luck in Bollywood and disappoint millions of boys like me as younger uglier VJs like Bani J took over. But for f*^&s sake - can we have atleast SOME quality control?!!
Youngistaanis – crying desperately for someone to talk to them in leet lingo have taken to their reality shows like a makkhi to a purple coloured tubelight zapper sitting in the corner of a dirty local fast food joint. I also admit that Bakra was funny – but the new wave which started (atleast in my mind) with MTV Roadies became so popular that they quickly sold out and cashed in - churning out the same mindless bone-headed drivel like a Chinese toy factory. (Some of those shows have underage kids – and ofcourse our brains are already as thick as lead)
To clarify my point – after much espionage and trouble I have managed to attain the “MTV India reality show creation template” which clearly highlights how all their shows are just re-hashed versions of the same shit.
MTV Teen Diva: One: It is inherently wrong to allow 15 year old girls to pose in a teeny sexy manner with a scooter (Think Britney Spears – Harley Davidson – I Love Rock n Roll video) Why is it wrong? (Insert standard joke about R Kelly urinating on his underage victim after raping her). Also – as much as its corporate marketing bliss – winning an immunity task should not land girls in a “Stayfree Safe Zone”. Wonder what they’ll call it if they do a show called MTV Teen Stud.
Fast n the Gorgeous: Their promo tagline was “Where have all the hot girls gone.” Well MTV for once I would ask the same question and agree – cuz they sure as hell don’t seem to be on your show either. Here they perform tasks on the basis of countries where races happen (wow! Im sure the person who came up with this idea got a promotion!) So for the Italian task – one set of girls tied the other set up and threw Pizzas on their faces which looked like dartboards without make-up anyway. All I can say is – thank you for the cultural sensitivity and I would LOVE for you to try that if you actually go there. I hear Italian policemen like stuffing people’s assess with Fusilli too.
I would love to keep blaimg MTV but people keep watching this junk which is actually fit for an academic study on sociological changes in India. As much as its making kids stupider – its also reflective of the kind of stuff young people want to watch. We all loved to watch saas-bahus conspire each other. Now were watching Colaba and Greater Kailash women and men doing the same with an Ahmedabad small town dude trying to fit in. But cmon MTV – atleast make something NEW!
Its ok to cash in – but don’t keep ripping off the same template over and over and over again. Give us something intelligent once in a while. We know its not your job – you are only meant to entertain – but then lets have the Shell corporation say – hey we just extract the oil – that’s our job – the environmental imbalance....Meh…not our job.
Im afraid to say that the angst ridden – low on opportunity – high on confidence cuz everyone keeps telling them they are living in a 21st century superpower – “kewl dudes and dudettes” – wanting to be white – twitter loving social activist fashionistas are already a pretty dumb generation – and MTV – you are just adding gobar gas to the fire.
You have turned into a monstrosity. Stop the reality TV hyper celebrity get famous or die tryin bakwaas and get back to playing the music. If you want send these shows over to your sister network VH1 which not too many cable waalas show – thus saving kids from watching Yo Momma! Pimp My Ride and Cribs (the horror)
Lets start with the first story i.e. The Delhi High Court legalizing consensual sex between adults.In the morning I had a conversation with one of my homosexual friends who I will call “Person X” as that person doesn't want a public disclosure. It happened in Punjabi which is what gave it its gene se quois- but i will translate it in English for those not in the mix.
Person X: Saanu sex karan layi salaakhaan picche nahi sittuge hun! (We wont be thrown behind bars for having sex now)
Me: Bahut vadhiya. Hun tussi apna junk kissi vi trunk wich paa sakde ho. (Great. Now you can put your junk in any trunk you want)
Person X: Haan but hun legal karta hai...bilkul mazaa nahi aooga (Yeah but now that theyve legalised it...what’s the fun?)
So as you must have heard – the Delhi High court took the first step towards greater inclusiveness of the LGBT community in our lovely meethaphobe society. That archaic joke of a clause numbered 377 in the Indian Penile..sorry Penal Code though not completely removed had one of its clauses overturned. In short layman slumdog terms – do meethe log saath mein meethi meethi baatein kar ke dostana kar sakte hain. Ofcourse you will notice I’m not making any quip on lesbians. That is because there is a shortage of hot women in this country and I am fundamentally against supply being pulled from the already depressed market. Plus to be honest – we need more and more homosexuals in India cuz that’s probably the only way we will limit our population growth.
So anyway – now that millions of Indian dicks were happy that they would be “boldly and legally going where no other dick had gone before”. (A title till recently held by Viviek Oberoi when he was with Aishwarya Rai) the opposition was already sharpening their knives and comprised:
Amar Singh of Samajwadi Party: Said he was staunchly against homosexuality bein recognized. (I agree – Dostana was the only movie where he did not give his beta Abhishek blessings or gone to the screening. Plus these guys are also against the Women’s reservation Bill – shouldn’t Amitabh Bachchan be guilty by association? Boycott Bachchan I say!)
The Deobandis and other supposedly prominent Muslim leaders: Said it was against Islamic culture (What about the Pathans? Hell – even the guys wear salwar kameez’s! Its like it was meant to be?! Flogging – good. Gay sex – bad!
The National Council of Churches in India: They held a press conference saying the church has always been against homosexuality and promoted safe heterosexual behavior (Right. Except when our priests are too busy putting the same penises in little altar boy’s mouths)
The Bharatiya Janta Party: Venkiah Naidu and Sushma Swaraj thundered against the court’s blasphemy. Thankfully no one understood WTF Venkaiah was saying as always and Sushma Swaraj didn’t threaten to shave her hair. Murli Manohar Joshi was also overheard saying that it is a conspiracy and called Mr. Liberhan gay for having fucked him in the Babri Masjid Demolition report.
Sensing the onslaught of anti-homosexual forces the liberal forces also organized a meeting and brought out three of their biggest guns.
The Congress Party: Was there really any doubt. If I met Rahul Gandhi in a bar I would totally think he was gay. The pinkish hue in the cheeks…the bad oratory…the clean nails…the oversized kurtas…the stubble to feel manly…(Though it would be so much easier if Sonia Gandhi just came and said she was lesbian – half the country would turn homosexual within 3 months – solving our demographic crisis and so many other challenges facing the “aam aadmi”. Aam to mostly meetha hi hota hai.)
Celina Jaitley: Out of work and not taken seriously by anyone – she joined forces with Wendell Rodericks and other icky looking unkempt fashion designers after what seemed like a 15 year old school girl practicing for a declamation contest. Seriously of all the people in the world they chose her? Achala Khandelwal's diction classes prior to Ms. Universe competition coming in handy...hmmm...
John Abraham: Progressively getting nakeder in every movie and being so likeable that no opposition would ever say anything to him – besides being the brand ambassador of Joy underwear – the brand owned by Nationalist Congress Party’s deputy chief – he delivered the youth Christian and parsi votes.
Now – just when I was getting happy that both sides were fighting it out for India’s progressive agenda – the centre secretly banned everyone’s favourite website Savita Bhabhi – leaving another bunch of millions of kids and adults (in the middle of their masturbation sessions) hanging. Now if that isnt the biggest KLPD that can ever happen to anyone – I don’t know what is. This frankly is even worse than old people losing their pension money in the UTI US-64 pension scam.
I mean it’s ok that you want to support gay rights etc but atleast don’t attack straight men throughout the country by killing their fantasy! Already Shiney Ahuja took away market share by helping promote cheap Savita Bhabhi knockoffs where Bhabhi is replaced by Didi. I mean its all so clichéd. Every story starts with the maid wearing el-cheapo maid like clothes – thus lighting the frustrated husband’s lamp – and him subsequently taking her to the cleaners (notice the lovely play on words) Such “rubbish” is not to be tolerated which is why I urge everyone to join the “Justice for Campaign”. I'm already in talks with the chaps who ran the Justice for Jessica and Justice for Nithari campaigns.
What is the point of banning one web magazine when millions of much worse hardcore porno sites continue to run – markets across the countrys sell DVDs and VCD’s for as much money as it takes to buy Savita Bhabhi’s hairclip? Why is there not more outrage over this issue? Millions of idiotic Indians turned their Twitter avatars green to support the rights of Iranians – but no one is changing their avatars into Savita and protecting their own freedoms?! WTF kind of stupidity is this?! Do people not realize how terribly wrong and discriminatory this is? Do they not recognize the impediment to their rights to freedom of…speech? Choosing what they want to watch? Self-censorship? The list goes on etc etc. It just goes to prove the point that twitter is full of arm chair social activists who want to feel socially responsible but have no bite to back up their bark.
(Youre probably reading this as well your bastards...that's right...i'm calling you out)
And finally as we all celebrate the court's landmark judgement - let's fight for Savita Bhabhi because she is a lot more than an outlet for pubescent kids / release for frustrated uncles / manifestation of a cheap fantasy / bloody well drawn cartoon. Whether we know it or not she's OUR bhabhi whose existance if banned is nothing short of of an impediment of our human rights. (Chee...that sounded like a Social studies exam ka essay ka conclusion)
According to the Xinhua news agency a 28 year old Chinese worker named Xiao who was reportedly upset at not being able to download a copy of Bollywood's latest hit Chandini Chowk to China thanks to the governments highly selective Google filters which categorised it as porn - jumped off the building to commit suicide. What he didnt realise however was that his tiger-crane style of kung-fu training as a child would also lead to the entire building falling with him - intact.
Navtej Sarna from the Indian Ministry of External Affairs later released a statement saying "The Indian government would like to express its shock at the curtailment of the democratic freedom of the average Chinese to download a Bollywood movie and waste 3 hours of his/her life. This act also smacks of discrimination and violates the current trade agreement between the two nations. Already all the pirated DVDs of Bollywood movies are dumped back onto the Indian consumer without being shown to the local audience even once or allowing them access to it. The Indian government has also detected mass propoganda by the Chinese to restrict Indian movies from attaining international acclaim at events such as the Oscars which led to Lagaan losing out in the Best Foreign Film category while in other years Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon - a movie with a complete Yash Raj films plot managed to win. Thanks to Slumdog Millionaire we have managed to break their notorious hold but as we can see from today's events - restricting access to 3 hour movies so that people can go back to their sweatshops can only lead to loss of life."
Sarna also said that because the building fell in the direction of Arunachal Pradesh and its tipple was caused due to a man's love for Bollywood - the building should rightly be handed back to India. The minister said such gestures would not only bring confidence to the real estate sector which has been suffering due to the recession but also allow for atleast one "laal-dora" colony in New Delhi to be regularised and re-settled.
However before the Chinese government could even issue a response - the Pakistani Interior Minister Rehman Malik issused a strong rebuttal to Sarna's argument largely because he is used to issuing rebuttals to anything India comments upon whether it concerns them or not. According to Rehman the reason why Xiao died was not because of not having seen Chandini Chowk to China but because he HAD seen Chandini Chowk to China and had been depressed at how his country was depicted in the film. Asked on how he could be so sure about this - Rehman Malik replied that Chandini Chowk to China was being used by the ISI to convert the Chinese Uighur Muslims to direct their attention towards the Kashmir crisis rather than worrying about seperatism in China. He said that because any hope for a Uighuristan were completely lost - they might as well direct their attention to a place where they still had hope and that Xiao was one of their trainees. Shortly after making that statement Rehman Malik realised he had put his foot in his mouth again - and changed tack to denying any statement of such nature - a task he had performed brilliantly to deny Ajmal Kasab's nationality after the Mumbai attacks.
He later issued a statement officially laying claim to fallen building in Shanghai stating that given the crisis of IDP's (Internally displaced people/persons) in Pakistan that building would be of much better use in their rehabilitation and that the Chinese amongst other governments and nations must fulfill their pledges towards aid for Pakistan. He stated that the building could also be used to replace the recently destroyed Marriott hotel in Islamabad the Pearl Continental in Peshawar and other police rescue buildings across the country that have been blown to bits.
Ironically both Navtej Sarna and Rehman Malik were heard informally telling press reporters the same thing. "Bani banayi building hai - sirf foundation hi toh daalna hai." The Indian foreign minister S.M. Krishna who continued to bare a constipated look on his face said that he would do everything possible to bring the building home and also examine the Chinese Uighurs destroying India angle in greater detail.
He also personally appealed to the three big Bollywood Khan's and Akshay Kumar to launch a massive PR campaign to support the government in it's efforts like they did with the recently held Twenty 20 World Cup. Critics note however that the title of the Twenty 20 World Cup campaign was "Bring back the Cup" which Pakistan won. And thus "Bring back the building" would not be a wise idea for a zinger campaign.
Another fallout of the incident has been Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh - Sushri Mayawati's decision to enter the city of Faridabad in the World's Largest Dominoes demonstration. According to Mayawati - the entire housing complex development in Faridabad is of the same quality as the building in Shanghai. Thus the government will create an artificially induced earthquake to show the world how over 100 buildings can tipple over while staying intact within a matter of 3 minutes. According to Mayawati it would bring great fame and attention to the state of Uttar Pradesh and will be a new Dalit world record in creating a catastrophe out of nothing.
Ofcourse as it happened people from across the world went crazy. Everyone seemed to have a RIP Michael status. We get it guys. We have a TV too. We also read the friggin newspaper. Ofcourse i did air some of my thoughts on the matter and got quickly beraded for being too "insensitive" and "rude". To all of them i say shut the hell up. The last thing i want to is to be sermonised by idiots who seem to cry on about a fallen superstar who they had no connection to in a different country who don't even bat an eye-lid at the news of say...some policemen killed by Naxalites or the countless farmers who die of drought everyday. There are countless other examples of hypocrisy but i would rather not say.
Sure he was a big star. Shattered the race barrier in a way and was the largest selling artist. Maybe its just because i am against idolising people in general but i didnt see this much outpouring when Mother Teresa died. (There was no internet then i know...but if you ask kids now they would know MJ's history much better than Teresas. Who's the bigger star? It reminds me of that documentary Super Size Me when more kids knew who Ronald McDonald was compared to even Jesus. Not that im a fan of jesus but still)
Some immediate thoughts that came to mind:
1) The women who were looking forward to settlement money from Michael Jackson for allegedly sucking off their kids must be REALLY pissed.
2) This proves that god is a Mullah. If god was truly zionist he wouldnt have killed off Michael and distracted the whole world from the crisis in Iran. Ahmedinajad must be lovin his luck.
3) Why arent people changing their twitter avatars to black and white and wearing black and white clothes to mourn his death like they did to support Iran?
4) How come every third person on TV has become a Michael Jackson expert?
5) He left a debt of 500 million dollars. Will his kids have to pay for it?
6) Can we NOT have Bollywood people mourn his death on front pages across the country? Why do we give a flying rat's patootie if Imran Khan grew up listening to Michael Jackson?
7) A friend reminded of a video game i used to play on Sega called Michael Jackson's "Moonwalker". It used to be one of the crappiest game cartridges i ever bought.
8) People seem to have forgotten about Farah Fawcett who died 5 hours ago fighting cancer. WTF?! Talking about not paying tribute to another great diva.
9) The Telegu version of Thriller on Youtube is getting a crazy amount of hits from south indians who think Chiranjeevi passed away.
10) Does the price of Michael Jackson imitators at events increase or decrease?
Funnily you also saw a lot of people dancing to his music in Harlem as a celebration of his life. That is perhaps a fitting tribute so to speak from people who can probably claim a much bigger part of his influence. But for everyone sitting here your opinion just like mine is worthless. So stop getting all touchy about it and perhaps pick up something closer to home to feel your fake sense of sadness. Humor is perhaps also the best defence here.
In the meanwhile - i shall go and listen to my favourite Jackson song which is Rock with You. Save the glove for the halloween party.
I also leave you with two of my most favourite comedians and their bits on Michael Jackson.
“India mein crack logon ki kami nahi hai”
However before I breach the larger subject – I will build some context by using the example of domestic terrorist organizations existing in India. Terrorist organizations banned by India can be organized in the following three categories:
World Famous Organisations:
This list includes Al Qaida / LTTE / Lashkar – E – Taiba (or Toiba or Tayyeba depending on how ethnic you want to get to make yourself feel intelligent)
Potential Copy-Right Violation Organisations:
This list includes organizations such as Harkatul Mujahideen / Hizbul Mujahideen / Jamaat – Ud –Dawaa / Al-Umar Mujahideen /Jamaat – Ul – Mujahid and Rent a Jamaat and Rent a Mujahid. There has been a lot of bad blood between these organizations since all their website domain names are taken by similar sounding fucks who then go and blow themselves up on a suicide mission without telling anyone else the domain name and password and FTP address. Because of this they can never update their home made “mujahid in a cave” videos while Osama keeps getting constant coverage in the media thus not letting them become world famous organizations.
Kissi Din Hum Pe Bhi Documentary Banegi Organisations:
These organizations are perhaps the most problematic and cracky in nature. Most of them claim to have valid claims and support behind them but are largely whore-ish and will do someone elses “dhanda” as long as they get their funding. Some of them become a real pain in the ass for the government but can be easily controlled while some no one has heard about even after 20 years. These include Kangleipak Communist Party. (You will find most of them making Momos in New Delhi now) Tamil Nadu Liberation Army (Same result as prior – Udipi restaurant with scattered photos of Prahakaran or the hunky actor Mohan Lal) Deendar Anjuman (What the fuck?) Hynniewtrep National Liberation Council (Hain? Yeh Kya Mazaak Hai?) and Babbar Khalsa International (Manmohan Singh is PM while Indira is dead – Akshay made Singh is King and Sukhbir Badal has raped the state so what more do you want?)
Basically besides the organisations that have mass appeal on religious grounds and demand ridiculous things like secession - most of these domestic terror groups are a creation of bad policy and years of neglect by our own people and government. Im not getting into that as ill save it for my degree essays.
Now that we have established the major sub-heads of the kind of terrorist organizations that exist we must also focus on the kind of cracks that exist in India so that the correlation can be understood better.
Religious Cracks: These are my favourite types of cracks. They can sometimes be sane people but will choose to become absolute ass kebabs for brains when it comes to religion. Examples include those who stop their cars on the middle of a freeway to pray to sai-baba mandir built even more idiotically by someone on the main roads thus causing the car behind them to crash. Those who put their cash in cardboard boxes in front of bhagwaan ka photo in the middle of a deserted street. People protesting demolition of illegal encroachments just because the building in question was a temple/masjid/gurdwara. Ok fuck it who am I kidding – everyone who believes in god and is swayed enough to get brainwashed in his name. And Jains. So that’s pretty much the whole country except the Indian Rationalist society. These cracks also keep demanding Azadi for Kashmir whether a woman gets raped in Shopian (horrid and deserves action) or a dog dies (how is that our fault now) without any minimum benchmark of what must happen for an azadi boycott to happen. These also beat up women who go and drink in pubs and like burning missionaries while they sleep in their cars in Orissa.
Political Cracks: Political cracks are closely linked to religious cracks and are offshoots of the same tree. One type of political crack wants to hand over the country to one family and its minions who appease minorities. The other crack wants to hand over the reigns to fanatics whose cadre still carry lathis and wear khaki shorts. The still worse crack believes D. Raja is a fantastic orator. And finally – the best crack of all who doesn’t look beyond their caste and religion. This type of crack openly beats up people from other states who live in their state and is also a supporter of making their leaders putlas all over their city. So that pretty much covers all political parties.
Bollywood Crack: Bollywood is also crack. Its crack in a way that its inexpensive compared to higher quality drugs (say Hollywood) and equally addictive (think Himesh ke naak waale gaane). The people who run Bollywood are crack because they keep thinking theyre bigger than they actually are and turn into pussies when just one of their kin gets a 3 minute role in the more expensive cracks movie. Then there is the people who continue to let their lives run by Bollywood which has demolished the Indian fashion model / sells us everything we own / writes columns in our newspaper / is on TV ALL THE BILODDY TIME! / and still makes movies like Tashan. If that doesn’t make people who love Bollywood cracks I don’t know what is.
Upper – Middle Class Crack: This is the coconut class of crack. They are normally much better than the other types of crack in that they are less religious more liberal don’t vote think Bollywood is passé and aim to have a foreign degree. These types of cracks normally dress up like theyre hip hop artists when theyre 18 thanks to their “Baap ka Paisa” and think everything is “cool”. A lot of these cracks spend a lot of money on actual crack and like to comment on how they love their country on Twitter and Facebook but become “mein iss dump se kat raha hoon boss” as soon as Australia ka visa lagta hai. These types also have the money and power to affect some policy change but don't because theyre too busy spitting wine in a bucket in their tasting class.
Gareeb Crack: These cracks have recently become famous thanks to that ridiculously horrid film called Slumdog Millionaire. Normally these are the foot-soldiers who support all the other types of cracks in their lives and campaigns so that they can get some real food into their stomach. They are the most mistreated lot and also feature regularly in UN Poverty reports. Nonetheless since theyre hopeless and would do anything for food and money they become swayed by just about anything and hence become crack.
Rakhi Sawant and S. Sreesanth: Ugly dancing on TV for no reason cracks.
The point is – we have too many people and pretty much all of them are crack. Way too many agendas. Way too much poverty illiteracy hunger and just about everything else you can think of. Jab tak hamaare desh mein socio -economics cracks hain - tab tak crack log bhi rahenge and vice versa. Its the vicious cycle of being cracked. We'll need to get rid of the causes of crack people growth and terminate the born cracks and then we shall be in paradise. Till then we cannot become as cool as we think we are and these domestic terror groups will continue to foster and keep demanding what they have been denied by feeding off the multiple types of cracks that our society keeps feeding them since socio-economic cracks and crack people are self-effacing.
Or we can save everyone the trouble and just follow the Code of Khamba (Much better than Hammurabi's code i assure you)
So I suggest you take something for this journey that India is going to go through over the next however many years. Youll need something to keep you happy. How about some crack?
Now if i were to write an essay on how - it would be a Masters thesis in itself. So i will refrain from doing the same while casually highlighting that its territory contains some lip-smacking tunda kebabs, has produced some legendary Indians such as Dhyan Chand and Mangal Pandey, gave India a musical revolution during the Mughal period and oh...it also has the Taj Mahal. (In that order of preference)
Somewhere along the way however, the state decided they couldnt let their sibling state of Bihar feel left out and lonely and thus decided to join in the collective gang rape of its politics, culture and ethos. Today tourists go there to get molested, men go to eat paan and fancifully spit it out like the Agni missile and some of the people it has produced include Mulayam Singh Yadav and Mayawati.
Oh ..they still have the Taj Mahal...its just...blacker...given that it till very recently had tanning factories operating within a few kilometres of it.
But this is not about any of these things. Because today...today Uttar Pradesh decided enough is enough and brought out its police manual. Which brings me to the point of my post - The Curious Case of Daaku Ghanshyam. (The buildup was too long naa? Appreciate the foreplay)
So as it happens Uttar Pradesh was pissed off that all the government attention had been going to the state of Maharashtra - more specifically Mumbai thanks to Ajmal Amir Kasab's trial being conducted there. Never one to miss an opportunity of gaining media attention by the dollops, the Uttar Pradesh police engaged in a 50 hour long battle with 1 dangerous and deadly dacoit in a village called Jamauli. Do you remember that joke about how many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Well...flip that question to how many Uttar Pradesh policemen does it take to catch a daaku holed up in a village. If youre thinking 11...you obviously havent witnessed our pan chewing, danda weilding, chalaan kaatoing, pot-bellied superheroes in action!
The correct answer - 500. Five f@#$ing hundred policeman to catch one dakait. 500!!! FIVE BLOODY HUNDRED!!! 500 to 1 is the same odds that bookmakers give Bangladesh for winning the cricket world cup. Five god damn hundred!!
Do you remember i already told you how long it took them to shoot him down? Thats right. 50 hours. Do you know how much 50 hours is? In 50 hours, Dominos Pizza would have been able to go back and forth from their restaurant to the daaku's house and serve him 100 pizzas. In 50 hours, if youre catholic you would know that the earth was already 1/3rd complete. In 50 hours you can see Shah Rukh Khan's hit film Mohabbatein...ok...only once. But still...50 freaking hours! 500 policemen! 1 dacoit!!
Its like the voiceover for some bad hollywood summer blockbuster! Imagine this in your head with the voice of that white guy who announces every hollywood action movie.
Coming to a theatre near you...one man will take on the might of the world's largest sub-national entity and bring it down to its knees. One man's will against the force of his demons...one man's hopes against those of a nation. 20th Century Dalit presents...in association with UP(ixar) Studios - 500! (This is Spaaartaaaa in the background)
I mean if ever the Lashkar e Taiba people needed a place to recruit people for their suicide missions this is the gold mine. Already Azamgarh (which has the distinction of being terror supplier number one) is thinking to itself - holy crap...our boys only manage to hole out Indian Army commandoes after months of training on those monkey bars. But these Hindu daakus must be on some killer Chyawanprash diet. We've got to learn this secret fast!
What makes it funnier - because the police had no modern equipment like night vision goggles to catch him at night - they burned down over 20 houses in the area where he was suspected to be hiding. I mean seriously - theyre just slumdogs anyway, who cares if theyre house burns down. Not like theyre hiding bucketloads of jewellery there like Sheetal Mafatlal. Plus were probably doing the family a favour by giving them a nice funeral without any charge for the bloody "saamagri". They also didnt have any walkie talkies on them except one of the commanders. So you saw TV crews capturing a line of policemen running back and forth carrying messages.
Really man...you shouldve just told the Delhi Police to send you some Massakali's. So many pigeon fights as a part of your cultural identity and you can train them to send messages to other cops. What a waste.
Anyway - 50 hours later he managed to escape. Yes...he escaped. He outran 500 policemen. Somebody freaking induct him into the Indian marathon team to compete with those Ethiopians. (What is it about shit poor malnourished people that they can keep on running and i cant hold on to a treadmill for 5 mins. Anyway...so he escaped but unfortunately got shot as soon as the clock struck hour 51 when one of the policemen spotted him trying to swim through a naala.
Who knew India's gutters were also a crime-fighting mechanism. You hear that United Nations Development Programme? Suck on THAT! And oh...before he died...he also killed 4 policemen.
So Uttar Pradesh - you obviously have a lot going for you with Rahul Gandhi giving you so much attention and all. But please...dont fuck this up so much that we offer you to Pakistan in exchange for letting us keep the whole of Jammu and Kashmir. I mean it...really.
Popular (sic!) Bollywood actor Shiney Ahuja has been remanded to judicial custody for allegedly raping his 18 year old maid. Shiney - best known for his perpetually constipated expression has previously raped a delectable young woman (as opposed to a little altar boy) in a movie titled "Sins" where he played a catholic priest much to the delight of front benchers in movie halls across the country.
Shiney - who earlier faced barriers in entering Bollywood thanks to his hooker-esque name also starred in movies such as Gangster (thus cementing the expression "he's such a gangster" in Mumbai college slang) and Hazaaron Khwahishein Aisi - a movie that tackles hard hitting issues such as the naxalite movement. in India. Shiney will for all practical purposes now relagate himself to the jungles of Chattisgarh.
Shiney on his part has accepted the claim that he had physical relations with his maid but denied allegations of rape calling their relationship mutual. Not only did this show that fantasizing about maid's is not just a B-grade Bollywood movie plot but also a virus that can infiltrate elitist mentality. Reporters after taking a look at Shiney's wife at the court hearing secretly confessed that they would probably have done the same given the way she looked. This brought about a sudden upswing in sympathy for Shiney - who was already pandering for cameras and praying while saying "Oh God" as the judge oversaw the hearing. The maid noted how he also used to say "Oh God" constantly during their vicious acts of fornication.
Professors of literature and anthropologists have also noted a sudden surge in the usage of a new word called "Maid C***" which has mirrored the popularity of the words "Bhen C***" and "Maa C***" among South Asian youth. If current trends continue the "Society of Choosing Rowdy Exotic Words for Dictionaries" (or SCREWd as its popularly called) will nominate the word "Maid C***" as the three millionth word to be added in the Oxford Dictionary. Members are confident that its reach and usage has already exceeded far beyond recent words such as Slumdog and Jai Ho. Members of SCREWd are also said to have approached the Oxford Dictionary for adding his photograph in front of the word "Raped" to highlight the irony of the situation.
There has also been a major uproar in members of the Ahuja community - who are already shunted as Bhatras (low castes who goto United Kingdom and clean toilets) in the Punjabi community. Members of the Ahuja clan were seen burning an effigy of Shiney Ahuja for bringing disrespect to the cast and bringing their efforts of establishing a space for the community to naught. However the effigy burning event and parades got no media attention because frankly no one gives a tangy butt nut. Even Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was overheard saying "What are these Bhatras upto now" when he heard about the disturbance being caused in Delhi and Mumbai. He subsequently ordered the police to water cannon all the protestors back to the United Kingdom.
Support for Shiney Ahuja came in the form of producers/directors Mahesh and Mukesh Bhatt who said that though they know Shiney to be temperamental they believed he was not capable for such a heinous act. They subsequently commissioned writers to start researching on Shiney Ahuja's life history so that they could create a movie script on his situation before fellow plaigarist (director) Ram Gopal Varma got to it.
The police are also trying to determine whether all of this might be a ploy by the maid to make a quick buck after having an unsuccessful affair with the popular actor. Many believe that after all the attention being given to Slum kids in the recent past..maids across Mumbai recently held a meeting to determine future course of action to get their conditions back into the media limelight. Since all maids know everything about the inner workings of every Mumbai household it is believed that a Shock and Awe campaign involving a huge star was what was decided upon.
It is not sure at present whether the maid in question has been lauded or censured by the Mumbai Bai Assocation (MBA) for picking Shiney Ahuja of all people.
A viral SMS campaign has also been launched across India making fun of Shiney Ahuja. Jokes include "What is Shiney Ahuja's favourite movie - Maid in Manhattan and What did Shiney Ahuja say to his maid to sweep her off her feet - Baby we're maid for each other" (Copyright G.S.Khamba)
- Politics (21)
- Comics (20)
- News Satire (18)
- Society (18)
- Media (16)
- Bollywood (14)
- Delhi (14)
- Open Letter (13)
- Tips (13)
- Relationships (11)
- Young People (11)
- Cricket (9)
- Men (8)
- Commonwealth Games (7)
- Music (7)
- Women (7)
- Religion (6)
- Twitter (6)
- Mumbai (5)
- Social Media (5)
- Television (5)
- Death (4)
- Arnab Goswami (3)
- Arindam Chaudhari (2)
- Chetan Bhagat (2)
- Sikhism (2)
- ► 2012 (9)
- ► 2011 (16)
- ► 2010 (86)
- Life in a Posh Colony...
- Son of a Sardar
- Manmohan Singh at the G8 Summit
- Why Mukesh Khanna is the greatest human alive
- Bally Sagoo profiting from mentally retarted India...
- The fall and fall of Stereo Nation
- MTV India making Youngistaan lose collective shit
- India celebrates National Perplexed Genetalia Day
- Tippled Shanghai building causes diplomatic blowou...
- Michael and things...
- Iss crack ki subah nahi...
- U.P. Police and the Curious Case of Daaku Ghanshya...
- Shin(e)y Disco Balls
- Dejavu again!
- Aamir's press conference in support of Oz attack v...
- Australia Ga-Ga!
- Oh humanity
- The Suicide Tourist
- The dangerous regression of Sikhism
- Weird day in history!
- Indian General Election Highlights
- ▼ July (23)
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.